Well, it finally happened. I let my guard down for just a short while and I ate something that I probably shouldn’t have. Last night as I was getting my food ready for today at work, I planned for a really healthy day. Oatmeal for breakfast, two snacks – one cut-up watermelon, the other yogurt with grape nuts, Homemade Lemon Lentil Soup with Kale accompanied by some leftover rice (to help with the effects of the lentils and kale). There was a plan. When I got up this morning, I realized that I had a lunch engagement on my schedule so I left the lunch items at home in the refrigerator.
My day was going along fine. Some challenges along the way, but nothing too out of the ordinary until about 11:00 AM. You see, at 11:00 AM, my colleague and I were on a conference call with the head of a company whose services we had opted to terminate. It was uncomfortable. It felt awkward. I felt guilty that I had made another person feel bad. My guard was down. I was then notified that the lunch was cancelled, so I started to prepare myself for going out to get something to eat. It was then that I remembered the sign from the deli in our building, advertising the special of the day – Lasagna with Meat Sauce and Garlic Bread. Ordinarily this would not even appeal to me as I am a sort of pasta snob, being raised Italian, but today I thought, “Why don’t I just go get a piece of the Lasagna downstairs?” I then mentally justified that I could save ½ of it for tomorrow and I wouldn’t eat the garlic bread. Do I really need to tell you what happened? . . . You guessed it – I bought the Lasagna with the Meat Sauce and the Garlic Bread and a Caffeine Free Diet Coke, of course, brought it to my office, closed the door, and ate all of it. It’s not that it was particularly delicious, it was just there.
I let my guard down and old habits prevailed. At the end of the meal I had eaten too much of food that, frankly, wasn’t that great and I didn’t know why. That mindless momentary satisfaction to feed my wounded soul is going to cost me some time. It means that it will take me more time to fight this food addiction battle. The bright part of all of this is that I have two take-aways from this experience. The first is that I have discovered another closet that I have been hiding in that I was not even aware I had – my office. So I now need to create another line in the concrete that along with avoiding drive-thrus, I will never eat my lunch behind a closed door. While I used to close the door at lunchtime to get away from work related interruptions on my lunch hour, I have changed it to hide the food that I don’t want others to see me eat. Secondly, it reminds me that I am still very vulnerable and fragile. I must continue to pursue my mission with care and caution.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Monday, June 28, 2010
"What Is Essential, Is Invisible to the Eye"
I’ve been on my program for about 11 days now. Things have been pretty painless. I’ve eaten different kinds of food, eaten at home, at work, in restaurants, avoided drive-thrus and desserts, pretty much without issue. I drank more water than soft drinks, etc. and I thought to myself . . . “This has been pretty easy.” Then my body reminded me of the abuse that I have been putting it through for many years. You see, as a result of my consistent lifestyle of overindulgence, I have compromised my digestive system. I am super-sensitive to any kind of food bacteria and when I come in contact with one, my body reacts violently, making me have renewed empathy for women who are experiencing their first trimester of pregnancy.
I started my day off well yesterday with a balanced breakfast at about 8:00 AM. By 1:15 PM, I was ravenous and ready to eat the bark off a tree, so I thought it best to eat a healthy TMO (my term for “tide me over”). So I grabbed a fresh peach from the fruit bowl in my kitchen, washed it and dug in. It was juicy and delicious, but I could tell that things weren’t right almost immediately. One of the health issues that I have developed over the years is GERD, or Acid Reflux Syndrome. I must be very careful with acidic foods. Although I have never had a reaction to peaches, this one affected my body differently. Within minutes, I was hugging the commode and hoping that it would end soon. It was awful. At first I thought about having a chat with my body and saying, “Wait a minute, I’ve been treating you very well lately. Why are you reacting this way?” But it got me thinking. . .
I have been mistreating the delicate balance of my God-given body for decades and now I change a behavior for just over a week and expect everything to be resolved? I guess my expectations were too high. This set-back served as a reminder to me that this battle is only going to be won by engaging in very deliberate and mindful behaviors on a consistent basis. I will need to be as devoted to healthy eating and exercise as I had been to overindulgence and a sedentary lifestyle. The essential ingredient for success is time. Time to change patterns. Time to begin new behaviors and routines. Time to allow my body to heal. Time to right the wrongs of so many years.
Author Antoine De Saint –Exupery was right, In his book, the Little Prince, a wise fox shared a very simple secret with the title character. He said, “It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.” The lesson for me is that I may think that I know the basics of what I will need to do, but to be truly successful, I will need to keep my heart engaged and never lose sight of the prize of a healthy life that is free of slavery to food. It will be a long road, but I’ll get there. . .
I started my day off well yesterday with a balanced breakfast at about 8:00 AM. By 1:15 PM, I was ravenous and ready to eat the bark off a tree, so I thought it best to eat a healthy TMO (my term for “tide me over”). So I grabbed a fresh peach from the fruit bowl in my kitchen, washed it and dug in. It was juicy and delicious, but I could tell that things weren’t right almost immediately. One of the health issues that I have developed over the years is GERD, or Acid Reflux Syndrome. I must be very careful with acidic foods. Although I have never had a reaction to peaches, this one affected my body differently. Within minutes, I was hugging the commode and hoping that it would end soon. It was awful. At first I thought about having a chat with my body and saying, “Wait a minute, I’ve been treating you very well lately. Why are you reacting this way?” But it got me thinking. . .
I have been mistreating the delicate balance of my God-given body for decades and now I change a behavior for just over a week and expect everything to be resolved? I guess my expectations were too high. This set-back served as a reminder to me that this battle is only going to be won by engaging in very deliberate and mindful behaviors on a consistent basis. I will need to be as devoted to healthy eating and exercise as I had been to overindulgence and a sedentary lifestyle. The essential ingredient for success is time. Time to change patterns. Time to begin new behaviors and routines. Time to allow my body to heal. Time to right the wrongs of so many years.
Author Antoine De Saint –Exupery was right, In his book, the Little Prince, a wise fox shared a very simple secret with the title character. He said, “It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.” The lesson for me is that I may think that I know the basics of what I will need to do, but to be truly successful, I will need to keep my heart engaged and never lose sight of the prize of a healthy life that is free of slavery to food. It will be a long road, but I’ll get there. . .
Friday, June 25, 2010
It's Magic . . . Not Really
It has been one week since I began my weight loss journey, so the moment of truth came this morning. It was time to step on the scale. I began by doing everything that a good weight watcher does. I went to the bathroom, took a shower to ensure every bit of the dirt that weighs me down was off my body then I stepped on the scale . . . then I stepped on it again, and again, and again. The reason that I did it a total of about 7 times is because I wasn’t getting a consistent reading. It did read one number 3 times, so I decided to take that one – 301.5 – that’s a loss of 5.5 lbs in one week!
It’s funny how this works. You eat good and healthy food, more frequently in the day, drink more water instead of pop all day long, get some exercise and voila, it’s magic! Maybe not. I have been very mindful and deliberate in my eating this week and am very aware of everything that I consume.
I have eaten some “non-diet” type of foods such as pizza and a dessert at a formal function, but my mind and approach have been completely different. One night this week, I worked late and it was getting late to cook dinner, so I decided to stop at Whole Foods to pick up something prepared. Lucky for me it was pizza special night so I decided to pick up a multi-grain crust margherita pizza for my family for dinner. I was very careful in my portions and I was surprised to discover that I was satisfied with about 1 ½ slices versus the 2-3 that I would have eaten in the past. The great thing was that under old circumstances, my family would have easily finished a 16” pizza but this time, we had over a third left over.
Last night, I had the honor of attending a formal function for the association management profession at Navy Pier. I had a plan – to have a good time, and not concentrate on food consumption. It worked. I ate moderately and then dessert was served. It was sort of a creamy luscious chocolate dessert. I opted to allow myself to try a few bites with a cup of decaf coffee. There is something about coffee and chocolate that I just love! So, I got my coffee and had about 3-4 spoons of dessert and promptly gave it to a member of the wait staff to take it away. It’s not that I didn’t trust myself, but . . . I didn’t trust myself! I was very satisfied with the coffee and taste and had a wonderful time networking with colleagues.
My exact exercise plan has not worked, but I have substituted other days and will still be living up to my 3 x per week commitment. I guess I’m learning that the key to this for me is going to be flexibility. There really isn’t any magic. During one of my previous weight loss attempts, I was working out at Lifetime Fitness, and I must have looked like I was having a hard time. I looked up and there was an older African-American man on a machine across from mine. At that moment, he made eye contact with me and then said these words that I haven’t forgotten in over two years, “if you keep doing what you’re doing, you’re going to get where you want to go.” He’s right. There’s no magic formula that’s going to take the weight off . . . the magic comes afterward as you put the old clothes on and you discover the need for new ones so that you don’t look like you’re dressed in a paper bag! I must confess that I violated my drive thru rule. . . but don't worry it was the drive-thru teller at the bank this morning! I think you will agree that the bank drive-thru is a good exception.
It’s funny how this works. You eat good and healthy food, more frequently in the day, drink more water instead of pop all day long, get some exercise and voila, it’s magic! Maybe not. I have been very mindful and deliberate in my eating this week and am very aware of everything that I consume.
I have eaten some “non-diet” type of foods such as pizza and a dessert at a formal function, but my mind and approach have been completely different. One night this week, I worked late and it was getting late to cook dinner, so I decided to stop at Whole Foods to pick up something prepared. Lucky for me it was pizza special night so I decided to pick up a multi-grain crust margherita pizza for my family for dinner. I was very careful in my portions and I was surprised to discover that I was satisfied with about 1 ½ slices versus the 2-3 that I would have eaten in the past. The great thing was that under old circumstances, my family would have easily finished a 16” pizza but this time, we had over a third left over.
Last night, I had the honor of attending a formal function for the association management profession at Navy Pier. I had a plan – to have a good time, and not concentrate on food consumption. It worked. I ate moderately and then dessert was served. It was sort of a creamy luscious chocolate dessert. I opted to allow myself to try a few bites with a cup of decaf coffee. There is something about coffee and chocolate that I just love! So, I got my coffee and had about 3-4 spoons of dessert and promptly gave it to a member of the wait staff to take it away. It’s not that I didn’t trust myself, but . . . I didn’t trust myself! I was very satisfied with the coffee and taste and had a wonderful time networking with colleagues.
My exact exercise plan has not worked, but I have substituted other days and will still be living up to my 3 x per week commitment. I guess I’m learning that the key to this for me is going to be flexibility. There really isn’t any magic. During one of my previous weight loss attempts, I was working out at Lifetime Fitness, and I must have looked like I was having a hard time. I looked up and there was an older African-American man on a machine across from mine. At that moment, he made eye contact with me and then said these words that I haven’t forgotten in over two years, “if you keep doing what you’re doing, you’re going to get where you want to go.” He’s right. There’s no magic formula that’s going to take the weight off . . . the magic comes afterward as you put the old clothes on and you discover the need for new ones so that you don’t look like you’re dressed in a paper bag! I must confess that I violated my drive thru rule. . . but don't worry it was the drive-thru teller at the bank this morning! I think you will agree that the bank drive-thru is a good exception.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
One Day at a Time - the Definition of Courage
I am incredibly lucky to have a network of family, friends and colleagues who are so supportive. I have received numerous messages from supporters letting me know that they are with me, on my team, or behind my effort all the way. Although I have tried to combat my compulsive overeating more times than I could possibly count, this time feels different.
Many of the e-mails that I received included the word "courage" and I started thinking about the definition of that word. So, I went to the dictionary for synonyms to "courage." They included "fearlessness," "dauntlessness," "intrepidity," and "spirit." What an incredible compliment! I never really thought about my effort being courageous; rather, I considered it necessary to come out of my shame. Then I started to think about something. The opposite of courage is fear and I have been fearful of myself, my weight, judgement, and failure for my entire life. I think that everyone wants to consider themselves courageous, yet as I think about my past behaviors I realize what a coward I have been in facing my fears. I am very privileged to now wear "courage" as my badge of honor.
So, you are probably wondering how it's going. So far, so good. Every day is a new day. My eating has been healthy and I am viewing food as fuel, making wise choices along the way. I approach exercise as a "must" instead of an option. I was not able to exercise on Monday evening as originally planned due to work commitments; however, I resolved to make up for it tonight and did Latin Cardio Dancing with the Stars for 45 minutes in the privacy of my family room. I had so much fun dancing the meringue, samba, cha cha, and mambo and the workout was incredible! Truly the first time I've had a good time exercising in the past 10 years. This is looking promising. . . as long as I continue to live one day at a time.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
The Beginning
June 20, 2010
Hello Blog Readers!
Welcome to the Carla/Carla Project Blog. As one of the countless number of Americans who are morbidly obese, I am taking matters into my own hands. Without the help of surgeries or “magical diets,” I will be working to recover from my food addiction and to gain a healthier lifestyle for the first time in my adult life. Over the course of the next two years – yes, it will probably take that long – I will be changing my eating habits and my lifestyle to become an active and healthy woman before the age of 50.
First, let me tell you a little about myself. I am 46 years old and have been struggling with weight issues since I was about 13. 33 years – the entire lifetime of Jesus! I have decided to permanently get off my own cross of excess weight and a sedentary lifestyle for several reasons:
1. I have a 3 ½ year old daughter, a husband, and a mother who need me;
2. I have been over 300 lbs. for more than a decade;
3. I am in danger of some pretty serious health risks if I don’t do something to reverse my weight within this time period;
4. I need to stop worrying about everyone else and dedicate some energy to helping myself.
I realize that these facts could be a little horrifying for those who know and love me. Believe me, I have done my best to hide them over the years. But I believe that my first step toward being real in this battle is to admit my food addiction and where I am today, so that I can move on. It could be followed with thoughts of how I could let this happen, etc. I don’t know the answers to those questions, it just did. So, like me, you will need to just move on, accepting the facts and looking toward the future.
My story isn’t unique. There are millions of Americans who came to the same end albeit by different routes. We all eat for our individual reasons, but the point is that we eat to substitute for something that feels missing or out of control. My issue was more on the side of control. There are many things in life that we cannot control such as work situations or circumstances, and family illnesses, just to name a few. My sense of duty has also made me feel that I need to be available and be all things to all people – except myself. My illogical logic said that I didn’t have to set controls on my eating habits because there were so many controls and limits in other parts of my life. (I realize that makes no sense, but it really is where my head is/was.) I now realize that I need some boundaries.
So, I start on my journey of finding a balance in life and ways to cope with day-to-day living that are healthier.
My stats:
Beginning:
Height: 5 ft. 7 in
Weight: 307 lbs (according to my bathroom scale)
Size: 24 W (that's 24 Womens)
Goal
Height: 5 ft. 7 ½ in. (yes, I hope to gain a ½ inch in better posture)
Weight: Certainly under 200, final ending weight to be determined
Size: A minimum of a size 14 that is not followed by the letter “W”
My first goals are:
1. Set an exercise schedule, start it, and stick to it (Mondays and Thursdays after work and Saturday mornings for 45 minutes at Curves)
2. Identify my support group and set up this blog
3. Identify my food triggers or why I want to overeat
4. AVOID ALL DRIVE THRUS – no good comes of a drive-thru for me, so I have set a line in the concrete that I am not to ever go through a drive thru again – If I want to eat something from a restaurant that includes a drive-thru, I will need to order it out in the open, in public for all to see instead of “closet eating” within the security of my car.
5. Investigate the resources available through Overeaters Anonymous and consider my participation in their groups, if available.
So, I’m off. I hope to post to this blog at least a few times per week and hope that you are motivated to pursue a healthy lifestyle with me. I invite any and all positive interactions with you, blog readers. I hope to do myself, and you, proud.
Hello Blog Readers!
Welcome to the Carla/Carla Project Blog. As one of the countless number of Americans who are morbidly obese, I am taking matters into my own hands. Without the help of surgeries or “magical diets,” I will be working to recover from my food addiction and to gain a healthier lifestyle for the first time in my adult life. Over the course of the next two years – yes, it will probably take that long – I will be changing my eating habits and my lifestyle to become an active and healthy woman before the age of 50.
First, let me tell you a little about myself. I am 46 years old and have been struggling with weight issues since I was about 13. 33 years – the entire lifetime of Jesus! I have decided to permanently get off my own cross of excess weight and a sedentary lifestyle for several reasons:
1. I have a 3 ½ year old daughter, a husband, and a mother who need me;
2. I have been over 300 lbs. for more than a decade;
3. I am in danger of some pretty serious health risks if I don’t do something to reverse my weight within this time period;
4. I need to stop worrying about everyone else and dedicate some energy to helping myself.
I realize that these facts could be a little horrifying for those who know and love me. Believe me, I have done my best to hide them over the years. But I believe that my first step toward being real in this battle is to admit my food addiction and where I am today, so that I can move on. It could be followed with thoughts of how I could let this happen, etc. I don’t know the answers to those questions, it just did. So, like me, you will need to just move on, accepting the facts and looking toward the future.
My story isn’t unique. There are millions of Americans who came to the same end albeit by different routes. We all eat for our individual reasons, but the point is that we eat to substitute for something that feels missing or out of control. My issue was more on the side of control. There are many things in life that we cannot control such as work situations or circumstances, and family illnesses, just to name a few. My sense of duty has also made me feel that I need to be available and be all things to all people – except myself. My illogical logic said that I didn’t have to set controls on my eating habits because there were so many controls and limits in other parts of my life. (I realize that makes no sense, but it really is where my head is/was.) I now realize that I need some boundaries.
So, I start on my journey of finding a balance in life and ways to cope with day-to-day living that are healthier.
My stats:
Beginning:
Height: 5 ft. 7 in
Weight: 307 lbs (according to my bathroom scale)
Size: 24 W (that's 24 Womens)
Goal
Height: 5 ft. 7 ½ in. (yes, I hope to gain a ½ inch in better posture)
Weight: Certainly under 200, final ending weight to be determined
Size: A minimum of a size 14 that is not followed by the letter “W”
My first goals are:
1. Set an exercise schedule, start it, and stick to it (Mondays and Thursdays after work and Saturday mornings for 45 minutes at Curves)
2. Identify my support group and set up this blog
3. Identify my food triggers or why I want to overeat
4. AVOID ALL DRIVE THRUS – no good comes of a drive-thru for me, so I have set a line in the concrete that I am not to ever go through a drive thru again – If I want to eat something from a restaurant that includes a drive-thru, I will need to order it out in the open, in public for all to see instead of “closet eating” within the security of my car.
5. Investigate the resources available through Overeaters Anonymous and consider my participation in their groups, if available.
So, I’m off. I hope to post to this blog at least a few times per week and hope that you are motivated to pursue a healthy lifestyle with me. I invite any and all positive interactions with you, blog readers. I hope to do myself, and you, proud.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)