It has been a week since I achieved the accomplishment of my first goal of finishing a 5K walk. It has been a week since I have exercised or walked at all. It seems that after I successfully completed that goal, I had a sense of “phew, I’m glad that’s over,” and I jumped right back into a sedentary lifestyle. I went through the week with great intentions. I decided to give my body a break on Monday, Tuesday I would walk. Tuesday and Wednesday were “busy,” so I’d plan on Thursday, Friday and Saturday for my three days this week. The weather was cold, there was rain, blah, blah, blah. . .
Because the week was busy, food choices were more limited to what we could get as carry-out or from a restaurant. Planning was at a minimum and I spent too many calories and too much money paying for food that someone else prepared. The good news on the Halloween front is that we did not give candy away to the kids, so no temptation there but there are now an inordinate number of sweets around after Ava’s first real trick or treating experience.
To make matters even worse, I violated the cardinal drive thru rule this morning as I was running late to get to work but needed breakfast. Rather than planning a bit more, I ordered my “old standard McDonald’s #5 breakfast” and ate it on the way to work. It wasn’t even good! It was pretty greasy and disgusting, but I ate it. I don’t understand myself. How can I reach a pinnacle and then drop so quickly? Did I not prepare myself slowly and work toward a goal? I guess that it is the very nature of food addiction. It is about eating out of habit rather than hunger. The time has come for me to do the work on the addiction side.
I went to the Overeaters Anonymous website again and hated my answers to the series of questions that they pose to determine whether you are a compulsive overeater. As a matter of information, they are:
1. Do you eat when you’re not hungry?
2. Do you go on eating binges for no apparent reason?
3. Do you have feelings of guilt and remorse after overeating?
4. Do you give too much time and thought to food?
5. Do you look forward with pleasure and anticipation to the time when you can eat alone?
6. Do you plan these secret binges ahead of time?
7. Do you eat sensibly before others and make up for it alone?
8. Is your weight affecting the way you live your life?
9. Have you tried to diet for a week (or longer), only to fall short of your goal?
10. Do you resent others telling you to “use a little willpower” to stop overeating?
11. Despite evidence to the contrary, have you continued to assert that you can diet “on your own” whenever you wish?
12. Do you crave to eat at a definite time, day or night, other than mealtime?
13. Do you eat to escape from worries or trouble?
14. Have you ever been treated for obesity or a food-related condition?
15. Does your eating behavior make you or others unhappy?
The rule of thumb is that if you answer “yes” to three or more of the questions you either are or on your way to becoming a compulsive overeater. I have investigated Overeaters Anonymous meetings and have identified a Wednesday evening telephone meeting to start this week. Although I would prefer a face-to-face meeting, this week is crazy in getting prepared to celebrate my daughter’s 4th birthday, cleaning, and the frenzy before 25 people come to your house. I did not want to wait, so I have found a telephone meeting at a time that will work for me on Wednesday during the late evening. I hate the fact that I need to go this route. There is a certain amount of shame in it for me; however, I am also proud of my willingness to do what it takes to recover from this addiction in order to improve the rest of my life. I will let you know how the first meeting goes. In the meantime, my exercise schedule for this week will be Tuesday, Friday, and Sunday.
Thank you for your willingness to walk by my side as I navigate these waters. It is a very bumpy ride that is full of ups and downs, but I am confident that I will eventually find my way by getting the help I need, staying true to what I know is right, trying my best to curb negative thoughts, and turning the situation over to God, my highest power, who can do all things.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Reflections of a 5K
Well, I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Today was my 5K Race. My husband Mike and I got up before the sun rose, drove to Oak Park, IL, arriving by 6:30 AM in anticipation of my first fitness goal coming to fruition. I am so incredibly fortunate to have support in my life. In addition to my husband, two friends from grad school, who are far more fit than I, agreed to walk the Frank Lloyd Wright 5K by my side in support of my efforts. Another friend of a friend joined us. She had a similar goal of simply completing the 5K as part of a rehabilitation program in her own life.
The race began promptly at 8:00 AM and we were off. The runners were placed first, then runners with strollers, walkers, walkers with strollers and dogs. A 10K run was scheduled to begin at 8:45 AM and a Youth 1 mile run started at 9:00 AM. The walk went along very well but I quickly started to notice how slowly I was walking in comparison to others. I had not really noticed until I saw a group of older ladies, one who had to be well into her 80s, walking with us within the first mile. I remember thinking that it was great that they were participating in a walk at their age, but then I realized that I was at the back of the pack. In fact, we had a motor escort in the rear. I mean, we were dead last. Even the old ladies had moved ahead. (They had an unfair advantage though, one of the older ladies had walking poles and the 80 year old quit after 1 mile). I started to feel badly about my place in the pack, regretting all the years of poor choices, no exercise and wishing that I had gotten a clue sooner. There were so many things that were entering my mind about my bad habits, but one of my friends gently reminded me that the 5K was not about that for me. My walk goal was about finishing a 5K without feeling paralyzed. He reminded me that each of us has our journey within different times, and that this was my journey. It was not a day of regret, but a day of celebration of accomplishment and of a new phase in my life.
I adjusted my goal. I set a new mental goal for myself. I would feel better if I did not get surpassed by the 10K runners who started 45 minutes later than we did. (I didn’t realize that goal had to come to fruition as the 10K path took a turn at one point and even the fastest runner would not have finished the course in 20 – 25 minutes.) We were approaching the finish line at about one hour, six minutes when we saw the runners from the Youth Mile Run turning their last corner to the finish line as well. Thousands of encouraging parents and grandparents stood along the sides of the street as the kids finished their race. These were true runners in training as they approached a 7-minute mile. I was impressed by their enthusiasm, speed and excitement about their run. Our group crossed the finish line pretty unobtrusively. While there were lots of parents cheering the kids on, we didn’t have anyone waiting for us when we crossed. We had each other. My friends and I crossed with a final time of about 1 hour, 9 minutes. I was tired, but not so much that I could barely figure out how I was going to get back to my car. My friends and I shared breakfast and fellowship together at a local restaurant and the camaraderie that comes with this shared experience.
Now, it’s time for a new goal. My workout goal is to continue to work out consistently a minimum of 3 times per week, building to 4 in the next two – three weeks. At that point, Suzanne, my nutritionist and personal trainer, will work with me to really design a plan to optimize my workouts. In addition, I think that I am ready to set my first long-term goal. I am giving it thought, but upon achieving my 10% goal (30 pounds), I will set my first long-term goal on this blog.
Thank you, readers and friends, for your support, encouragement, prayers and helping hands as I continue to pursue a healthier lifestyle. It’s been a good day . . .
The race began promptly at 8:00 AM and we were off. The runners were placed first, then runners with strollers, walkers, walkers with strollers and dogs. A 10K run was scheduled to begin at 8:45 AM and a Youth 1 mile run started at 9:00 AM. The walk went along very well but I quickly started to notice how slowly I was walking in comparison to others. I had not really noticed until I saw a group of older ladies, one who had to be well into her 80s, walking with us within the first mile. I remember thinking that it was great that they were participating in a walk at their age, but then I realized that I was at the back of the pack. In fact, we had a motor escort in the rear. I mean, we were dead last. Even the old ladies had moved ahead. (They had an unfair advantage though, one of the older ladies had walking poles and the 80 year old quit after 1 mile). I started to feel badly about my place in the pack, regretting all the years of poor choices, no exercise and wishing that I had gotten a clue sooner. There were so many things that were entering my mind about my bad habits, but one of my friends gently reminded me that the 5K was not about that for me. My walk goal was about finishing a 5K without feeling paralyzed. He reminded me that each of us has our journey within different times, and that this was my journey. It was not a day of regret, but a day of celebration of accomplishment and of a new phase in my life.
I adjusted my goal. I set a new mental goal for myself. I would feel better if I did not get surpassed by the 10K runners who started 45 minutes later than we did. (I didn’t realize that goal had to come to fruition as the 10K path took a turn at one point and even the fastest runner would not have finished the course in 20 – 25 minutes.) We were approaching the finish line at about one hour, six minutes when we saw the runners from the Youth Mile Run turning their last corner to the finish line as well. Thousands of encouraging parents and grandparents stood along the sides of the street as the kids finished their race. These were true runners in training as they approached a 7-minute mile. I was impressed by their enthusiasm, speed and excitement about their run. Our group crossed the finish line pretty unobtrusively. While there were lots of parents cheering the kids on, we didn’t have anyone waiting for us when we crossed. We had each other. My friends and I crossed with a final time of about 1 hour, 9 minutes. I was tired, but not so much that I could barely figure out how I was going to get back to my car. My friends and I shared breakfast and fellowship together at a local restaurant and the camaraderie that comes with this shared experience.
Now, it’s time for a new goal. My workout goal is to continue to work out consistently a minimum of 3 times per week, building to 4 in the next two – three weeks. At that point, Suzanne, my nutritionist and personal trainer, will work with me to really design a plan to optimize my workouts. In addition, I think that I am ready to set my first long-term goal. I am giving it thought, but upon achieving my 10% goal (30 pounds), I will set my first long-term goal on this blog.
Thank you, readers and friends, for your support, encouragement, prayers and helping hands as I continue to pursue a healthier lifestyle. It’s been a good day . . .
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Looking Beyond a Week
Dear Bleaders:
I am making progress! I woke up this morning and stepped on the scale (6 times) to discover that I now weight 283.8 pounds. That means that I have now lost a total of 23.2 pounds! I am so excited about this development and what it means. My next goal will be to surpass 30 pounds. A loss of 30 pounds will mean a 10% reduction in weight and a 50% reduction in health risks associated with diabetes and heart disease. Now that I have lost more than 20 pounds, this achievement seems within my reach.
This accomplishment is pretty significant not only for the amount of weight but also because I managed things well during my birthday weekend. I began my birthday with a 2.5 mile walk, followed by a healthy breakfast with my mom, playtime with my daughter, and then dinner and a show with my husband. The following day was very full. I was expecting an out-of-town guest overnight. I did not take a walk before picking up my guest for her visit; however, I kept my walking clothes on and remained dedicated to the idea of a walk later in the day. The old me would have said, “Oh, well, I will do it tomorrow.” I persevered. I started on my talk, tired from the longer walk the previous day. I honestly did not think I could get through my usual 1.75 mile walk, let alone the extended length. I prayed along my path, and, amazingly was able to walk my 3.1 miles. I did it! I discovered that I would be able to get through my 5K without paralysis! I made a plan to walk at least 3 days this week in order to keep up on my training. I have walked 3.1 miles on Tuesday and Wednesday of this week and plan to walk again on Friday. I might take a short walk on Saturday, but I don’t want to press to hard so that I am refreshed for Sunday morning’s walk.
Throughout my journey, I have been intentional in keeping my sights set on smaller, more obtainable goals. I have never looked beyond the next “0” on the scale and didn’t put pressure on myself when things have gone more slowly. I feel my body changing and becoming reliant on exercise. I am now feeling muscles that I didn’t even know that I had! I am heading into this weekend prepared and focused. I just hope that I can sustain beyond the week.
I am making progress! I woke up this morning and stepped on the scale (6 times) to discover that I now weight 283.8 pounds. That means that I have now lost a total of 23.2 pounds! I am so excited about this development and what it means. My next goal will be to surpass 30 pounds. A loss of 30 pounds will mean a 10% reduction in weight and a 50% reduction in health risks associated with diabetes and heart disease. Now that I have lost more than 20 pounds, this achievement seems within my reach.
This accomplishment is pretty significant not only for the amount of weight but also because I managed things well during my birthday weekend. I began my birthday with a 2.5 mile walk, followed by a healthy breakfast with my mom, playtime with my daughter, and then dinner and a show with my husband. The following day was very full. I was expecting an out-of-town guest overnight. I did not take a walk before picking up my guest for her visit; however, I kept my walking clothes on and remained dedicated to the idea of a walk later in the day. The old me would have said, “Oh, well, I will do it tomorrow.” I persevered. I started on my talk, tired from the longer walk the previous day. I honestly did not think I could get through my usual 1.75 mile walk, let alone the extended length. I prayed along my path, and, amazingly was able to walk my 3.1 miles. I did it! I discovered that I would be able to get through my 5K without paralysis! I made a plan to walk at least 3 days this week in order to keep up on my training. I have walked 3.1 miles on Tuesday and Wednesday of this week and plan to walk again on Friday. I might take a short walk on Saturday, but I don’t want to press to hard so that I am refreshed for Sunday morning’s walk.
Throughout my journey, I have been intentional in keeping my sights set on smaller, more obtainable goals. I have never looked beyond the next “0” on the scale and didn’t put pressure on myself when things have gone more slowly. I feel my body changing and becoming reliant on exercise. I am now feeling muscles that I didn’t even know that I had! I am heading into this weekend prepared and focused. I just hope that I can sustain beyond the week.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Excuses, Excuses, I Can’t Give Myself Any More Stinkin’ Excuses
My Dearest Bleaders:
Why is it that the moment things don’t go exactly the most optimistic way, we jump on the excuse wagon? As you know, I have been away from my blogging for the past two weeks. The complications of life have picked up again and I have once again slowed down my efforts toward my health goals. While I continue to make healthier food choices, overall, every once in a while I am seeing some old behaviors creeping back into my psyche. I am walking once to twice a week, but at this rate, I am going to be hurting after my 5K Walk on October 24th. I’ll be able to do it, but will probably be exhausted and paralyzed afterward. I wish that I could explain it, but I can’t. It is like something in my brain is telling me that it’s ok to slow down because life is a bit challenging right now or whatever the situation is at the moment.
I was inspired to write today’s posting after attending a session by writer Shauna Niequist. She spoke about many things, including the discipline of a healthier lifestyle. You see, she had several friends who inspired her to pursue a goal of completing the Chicago Marathon. For the past 7-8 months, she has trained rigorously for this goal. She dedicated herself to building up her stamina from starting out last March barely able to complete 2 miles without being totally exhausted. Slowly, she worked with a training team to build up to a goal of 12-minute miles. She completed last Sunday’s marathon in 5 hours and 38 minutes. By definition, that is not considered a speedy time, but it was about the journey and accomplishment for her.
Shauna also spoke about the discipline that she has in her writing. Since she is a writer by profession, she commits herself to writing every day without fail. When asked if she ever lacks inspiration or feels a “writer’s block,” she commented that because writing is her job, she needs to push past all of those kinds of thoughts. She explained that she takes her position very seriously so she lives in a way that feeds her needs of sleep, community, rest and exercise. She reads books that inspire her and she does all that she can to keep herself in a space of inspiration so that she can, in turn, inspire others.
Shauna’s talk got me thinking. Yes, my life is a bit of a challenge right now. Yes, this weight and exercise issue is the biggest pain to deal with now or at any other time. Yes, life could be easier. Yes, the weather could be warmer or cooler, sunnier or rainier. . . Do you see where I am going with this? My nutritionist Suzanne is a truth teller. She tells things as she sees them, but tries to break it to clients like me gently so that we don’t totally lose faith in ourselves or our capacity to change. I thought about Suzanne a lot tonight because she is the only person in my life who gently and lovingly tells me truth while encouraging me along the way. Thank goodness for her! I DO need to be like Nike and just do it! As I think back on my journey thus far, it is full of excuses without much marked progress. Don’t get me wrong, I think that I’m working it, but very SLOWLY.
Tomorrow is an important day for me. You may recall that I made a goal that by October 14, 2012, the day before my 49th birthday, I will have completed the yeoman’s share of my weight loss. There is much work to do and it is time for me to get to it. I’ll be walking more, eating less, and being mindful of my actions anew as I head to yet another beginning. In addition, I will not keep you hanging, my dear bleaders, as I’ve made a commitment to you to keep you in my loop. I’m glad that you’re here with me.
Why is it that the moment things don’t go exactly the most optimistic way, we jump on the excuse wagon? As you know, I have been away from my blogging for the past two weeks. The complications of life have picked up again and I have once again slowed down my efforts toward my health goals. While I continue to make healthier food choices, overall, every once in a while I am seeing some old behaviors creeping back into my psyche. I am walking once to twice a week, but at this rate, I am going to be hurting after my 5K Walk on October 24th. I’ll be able to do it, but will probably be exhausted and paralyzed afterward. I wish that I could explain it, but I can’t. It is like something in my brain is telling me that it’s ok to slow down because life is a bit challenging right now or whatever the situation is at the moment.
I was inspired to write today’s posting after attending a session by writer Shauna Niequist. She spoke about many things, including the discipline of a healthier lifestyle. You see, she had several friends who inspired her to pursue a goal of completing the Chicago Marathon. For the past 7-8 months, she has trained rigorously for this goal. She dedicated herself to building up her stamina from starting out last March barely able to complete 2 miles without being totally exhausted. Slowly, she worked with a training team to build up to a goal of 12-minute miles. She completed last Sunday’s marathon in 5 hours and 38 minutes. By definition, that is not considered a speedy time, but it was about the journey and accomplishment for her.
Shauna also spoke about the discipline that she has in her writing. Since she is a writer by profession, she commits herself to writing every day without fail. When asked if she ever lacks inspiration or feels a “writer’s block,” she commented that because writing is her job, she needs to push past all of those kinds of thoughts. She explained that she takes her position very seriously so she lives in a way that feeds her needs of sleep, community, rest and exercise. She reads books that inspire her and she does all that she can to keep herself in a space of inspiration so that she can, in turn, inspire others.
Shauna’s talk got me thinking. Yes, my life is a bit of a challenge right now. Yes, this weight and exercise issue is the biggest pain to deal with now or at any other time. Yes, life could be easier. Yes, the weather could be warmer or cooler, sunnier or rainier. . . Do you see where I am going with this? My nutritionist Suzanne is a truth teller. She tells things as she sees them, but tries to break it to clients like me gently so that we don’t totally lose faith in ourselves or our capacity to change. I thought about Suzanne a lot tonight because she is the only person in my life who gently and lovingly tells me truth while encouraging me along the way. Thank goodness for her! I DO need to be like Nike and just do it! As I think back on my journey thus far, it is full of excuses without much marked progress. Don’t get me wrong, I think that I’m working it, but very SLOWLY.
Tomorrow is an important day for me. You may recall that I made a goal that by October 14, 2012, the day before my 49th birthday, I will have completed the yeoman’s share of my weight loss. There is much work to do and it is time for me to get to it. I’ll be walking more, eating less, and being mindful of my actions anew as I head to yet another beginning. In addition, I will not keep you hanging, my dear bleaders, as I’ve made a commitment to you to keep you in my loop. I’m glad that you’re here with me.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Little Plans Can Lead to Bigger Plans. . . If I Work at Them
Dear Blog Readers (or as Julie Powell of “Julie/Julia” fame called you “Bleaders”):
Alas, it has been awhile since I last posted to my blog. I have missed you. Let me bring you up to date on the latest news on the Carla-Carla journey. My last posting talked about the benefits of being sick. While the benefit is still true and I have maintained my breakthrough of 290 pounds, I have suffered a relapse or continuation of my plague in the meantime. I have been dealing with cough, post-nasal drip, etc. for about three weeks and, quite frankly, I’m sick of being sick!
I have been successful at persevering into my walking regime on both weekend days despite the plague; however, I have struggled during the week, mostly because I have been feeling so badly. About 2 weeks ago, I decided that I needed some additional motivation so I committed to a 5K walk on October 24th as an incentive for me to continue to build my distance of walking every week. To date, I have been walking about 1.75 miles in 35 minutes for each walk. I intend to build .25 miles every week until the walk, so that the 5K (3.1 miles) will be a much more do-able goal.
I am really enjoying my walks. They give me a chance to do something for myself, take advantage of the opportunity to listen to music that I love, and enjoy the sights and intricacies of my neighborhood in a way that cannot be achieved from the driver’s seat of my SUV. For example, there is a house about 1 ½ blocks from my house that has over 15 trees in the front yard. Fifteen! I have lived in my current house for just under six years and driven past the aforementioned house hundreds of times but missed that detail.
I adjust my music selection to match my state of mind. If I’m in need of inspiration, I might listen to high-energy “Women of Faith.” If I’m in need of energy and a bit nostalgic, I revert to my disco days. Sometimes a broadway show tune is in order. (You can probably tell that I am now finding that the additional bonus of music is motivation for me as well.)
During our last meeting, my nutritionist, Suzanne, got a little tough with me and basically said that the time had come for me to be like Nike, and “just do it” with my exercise. As I said earlier, I was only able to walk weekend days for the last three weeks because I have been sick but I now find that I want more. My body no longer gets up the day after a workout and feels like it has been hit by a Mack Truck. I am starting to feel muscle tone coming into my legs – this is something new for me. I’m no longer afraid to set fitness goals.
I am looking forward to my 5K Walk on October 24th. It is being held in the village where I grew up and spent my formative years. I think it appropriate that I have my first fitness goal achievement there as that is where the ill feelings about food issues began. I have already started to plan ahead to my next goal. Every year, the Epilepsy Foundation sponsors a walk on the Mall in Washington, DC. If we can swing it, my family and I hope to make the trip to Washington, DC next Spring during Cherry Blossom time, to walk for this cause that is closest to our hearts as my husband Mike has had epilepsy since he was 11 months old. The epilepsy walk’s goals are to raise awareness of epilepsy and to help to lift the stigma around this unknown illness. In addition, the money raised is used toward further research.
My plan begins with one 5K walk and will progress from there. I will post my progress in increasing my distance in the month of October. I can’t wait to achieve my first success!
Alas, it has been awhile since I last posted to my blog. I have missed you. Let me bring you up to date on the latest news on the Carla-Carla journey. My last posting talked about the benefits of being sick. While the benefit is still true and I have maintained my breakthrough of 290 pounds, I have suffered a relapse or continuation of my plague in the meantime. I have been dealing with cough, post-nasal drip, etc. for about three weeks and, quite frankly, I’m sick of being sick!
I have been successful at persevering into my walking regime on both weekend days despite the plague; however, I have struggled during the week, mostly because I have been feeling so badly. About 2 weeks ago, I decided that I needed some additional motivation so I committed to a 5K walk on October 24th as an incentive for me to continue to build my distance of walking every week. To date, I have been walking about 1.75 miles in 35 minutes for each walk. I intend to build .25 miles every week until the walk, so that the 5K (3.1 miles) will be a much more do-able goal.
I am really enjoying my walks. They give me a chance to do something for myself, take advantage of the opportunity to listen to music that I love, and enjoy the sights and intricacies of my neighborhood in a way that cannot be achieved from the driver’s seat of my SUV. For example, there is a house about 1 ½ blocks from my house that has over 15 trees in the front yard. Fifteen! I have lived in my current house for just under six years and driven past the aforementioned house hundreds of times but missed that detail.
I adjust my music selection to match my state of mind. If I’m in need of inspiration, I might listen to high-energy “Women of Faith.” If I’m in need of energy and a bit nostalgic, I revert to my disco days. Sometimes a broadway show tune is in order. (You can probably tell that I am now finding that the additional bonus of music is motivation for me as well.)
During our last meeting, my nutritionist, Suzanne, got a little tough with me and basically said that the time had come for me to be like Nike, and “just do it” with my exercise. As I said earlier, I was only able to walk weekend days for the last three weeks because I have been sick but I now find that I want more. My body no longer gets up the day after a workout and feels like it has been hit by a Mack Truck. I am starting to feel muscle tone coming into my legs – this is something new for me. I’m no longer afraid to set fitness goals.
I am looking forward to my 5K Walk on October 24th. It is being held in the village where I grew up and spent my formative years. I think it appropriate that I have my first fitness goal achievement there as that is where the ill feelings about food issues began. I have already started to plan ahead to my next goal. Every year, the Epilepsy Foundation sponsors a walk on the Mall in Washington, DC. If we can swing it, my family and I hope to make the trip to Washington, DC next Spring during Cherry Blossom time, to walk for this cause that is closest to our hearts as my husband Mike has had epilepsy since he was 11 months old. The epilepsy walk’s goals are to raise awareness of epilepsy and to help to lift the stigma around this unknown illness. In addition, the money raised is used toward further research.
My plan begins with one 5K walk and will progress from there. I will post my progress in increasing my distance in the month of October. I can’t wait to achieve my first success!
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Accentuate the Positive
There is something to be said for being sick. For the past 3 days, I have been plagued with a cough, cold, post-nasal drip kind of thing. I am one of those people that gets completely knocked out by these types of illnesses. There are a couple of benefits that come from it though. First of all, I’m not that hungry, so eating is kept to a minimum. Secondly, I drink an abundance of water to keep myself hydrated. It seems that I can’t get enough water when I’m dealing with a cold, etc. I believe that, to some respect, water acts as a detoxifier and helps our bodies to obtain a healthy equilibrium again. I have not felt up to exercise this week; however, I am still hopeful that I can get my three days in by Sunday.
I do have some good news to share. This morning, I got up and weighed myself and discovered a wondrous thing – I have finally broken 290. After weighing myself 6 times and getting the same reading each time, I accepted the scale’s reading of 288.2. This means that weight loss has picked up again and that I have now lost a total of 18.8 pounds! WOOOO HOOOOO! I have been anxiously awaiting the day when I would break this next milestone and it came out of the blue. I am discovering that when I take action and don’t anticipate the results, I get pleasantly surprised. I am excited as ever to keep going and am now working on getting the exercise regular and under control and incorporating it deliberately into my life.
I have been participating in an Online Retreat on Women, Food and God by Geneen Roth. I think that it has helped me to put some things in perspective related to what she calls “The Voice” within us. It reminds us of our failures and how we will never be able to do it. Within the course of the retreat, she has given assignments to help in combating The Voice and put it in its place. The Voice is that part of your psyche that says things like “Why are you doing this? You are never going to do it. You’re a failure.” The Voice does not like change and it seems that the negative messages increase when we start to incorporate changes into our life. I am learning to be very deliberate in my actions and am getting better at recognizing The Voice so that I can take control of the negative thoughts before they take control of me and I end up sabotaging my efforts. In my last posting on September 12, I told you that I have really gotten in touch with the psychological side of eating. This is what I was talking about. When we allow ourselves to constantly listen and give into the negative messages, our efforts are constantly in jeopardy. But when we can mentally combat The Voice and allow ourselves to have goals and positive messages and thoughts, our truest desires and feelings can come to fruition.
In the 70s, there was a television show called “One Day at a Time.” Some of you may remember it. You may remember the tune, but may not know all the words. I have them committed to memory as they help me to continue on my path.
One Day at a Time Theme
By John and Nancy Barry
This is it. This is it.
This is life, the one you get
So go and have a ball.
This is it. This is it
Straight ahead and rest assured
You can’t be sure at all.
So while you’re here enjoy the view
Keep on doing what you do
So hold on tight we'll muddle through
One day at a time, One day at a time.
So up on your feet. Up on your feet
Somewhere there’s music playing.
Don’t you worry none
We’ll just take it like it comes.
One day at a time, one day at a time.
One day at a time, one day at a time.
One day at a time, one day at a time.
One day at a time, one day at a time.
I have a long way to go, but I know that I am on a long path to healing by continuing as the theme song says, one day at a time.
I do have some good news to share. This morning, I got up and weighed myself and discovered a wondrous thing – I have finally broken 290. After weighing myself 6 times and getting the same reading each time, I accepted the scale’s reading of 288.2. This means that weight loss has picked up again and that I have now lost a total of 18.8 pounds! WOOOO HOOOOO! I have been anxiously awaiting the day when I would break this next milestone and it came out of the blue. I am discovering that when I take action and don’t anticipate the results, I get pleasantly surprised. I am excited as ever to keep going and am now working on getting the exercise regular and under control and incorporating it deliberately into my life.
I have been participating in an Online Retreat on Women, Food and God by Geneen Roth. I think that it has helped me to put some things in perspective related to what she calls “The Voice” within us. It reminds us of our failures and how we will never be able to do it. Within the course of the retreat, she has given assignments to help in combating The Voice and put it in its place. The Voice is that part of your psyche that says things like “Why are you doing this? You are never going to do it. You’re a failure.” The Voice does not like change and it seems that the negative messages increase when we start to incorporate changes into our life. I am learning to be very deliberate in my actions and am getting better at recognizing The Voice so that I can take control of the negative thoughts before they take control of me and I end up sabotaging my efforts. In my last posting on September 12, I told you that I have really gotten in touch with the psychological side of eating. This is what I was talking about. When we allow ourselves to constantly listen and give into the negative messages, our efforts are constantly in jeopardy. But when we can mentally combat The Voice and allow ourselves to have goals and positive messages and thoughts, our truest desires and feelings can come to fruition.
In the 70s, there was a television show called “One Day at a Time.” Some of you may remember it. You may remember the tune, but may not know all the words. I have them committed to memory as they help me to continue on my path.
One Day at a Time Theme
By John and Nancy Barry
This is it. This is it.
This is life, the one you get
So go and have a ball.
This is it. This is it
Straight ahead and rest assured
You can’t be sure at all.
So while you’re here enjoy the view
Keep on doing what you do
So hold on tight we'll muddle through
One day at a time, One day at a time.
So up on your feet. Up on your feet
Somewhere there’s music playing.
Don’t you worry none
We’ll just take it like it comes.
One day at a time, one day at a time.
One day at a time, one day at a time.
One day at a time, one day at a time.
One day at a time, one day at a time.
I have a long way to go, but I know that I am on a long path to healing by continuing as the theme song says, one day at a time.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Out of Sight, Not Out of Mind
My Dear Friends and Blog Readers,
Thank you so much for your e-mails and notes over these past few weeks. I am most honored that you missed me and that you are wondering where I am in my journey. I missed you too. I know that many of you have been concerned that I “fell off the wagon.” I am happy to report that nothing of the kind has occurred. Let me fill you on things over the past month or so.
Anyone who has an addiction can tell you that the most difficult times in dealing with your demons occur when you are faced with adversity, emotional discomfort and stress. If that is true, I was facing a “SuperBowl” of personal issues in the month of August. When faced with uncomfortable issues within my adult life, I have always turned to food. Since embarking on this journey, I knew that I could no longer “stuff” my problems. I would need to face them in a different way. For the first time in my life, I allowed myself to experience pain. I cried when I felt pain, addressed issues in the kindest way I could when someone said something that bothered me, and I did not allow myself to feel guilt over any of those things which would have caused me to eat my frustrations. I knew that if I was going to achieve my personal health goals, I would need to face the issues. So, that’s what I did and do you know what? I didn’t die from it!
For all of my life, I have avoided emotional confrontation or taken it head-on then felt bad about it and ate to soothe myself. I lived in fear of facing issues without my comforter – food. I think that at some level, I really did think that the burden would be too much for me to bear. But it wasn’t. It turns out that I am actually stronger than I thought I was and that I am able to handle things appropriately. I relied on my faith to help me when I was weak. I did deep breathing in times of distress. I cried when I was frustrated. I communicated my issues out loud. I was in charge of the situation and balanced for the first time. I did not contemplate the notion of eating to medicate myself. I used my energy to process through the emotional work that needed to be done. My weight stayed relatively stable; however, my attempts for exercise were minimal, at best.
I am happy to report that the issues have stabilized over the past couple of weeks and so I thought it best to get myself on-track again. I once again met with my nutritionist, Suzanne, who encouraged me to continue my entries on this blog. We both felt comfortable that I am in “the zone” with my food choices and now it was time to get tough on exercise. My first goal is to start by exercising 30 minutes, 3 days per week for a month. After I have achieved some success with 3 times per week, we will increase to 4, and so on. I agreed to let Suzanne know that I’ve exercised on my designated days, so that she knows that I am following through in my commitment. My appointment with Suzanne was on Sept. 7th and I am happy to tell you that I have been successful in my first week in achieving 3 days of exercise. I “danced with the stars” two mornings before work and went for a walk to enjoy the beautiful fall weather this afternoon. Exercise is not really my thing, but I do love dancing and music so I feel that I am reaching happy mediums in these two methods of working out.
So, I’M BAAAAAAAAAAACCCKKKKK! I promise to try to stay in touch with you and keep you posted. Thanks for your support and concern. You are a huge part of this journey and will be part of my success.
Thank you so much for your e-mails and notes over these past few weeks. I am most honored that you missed me and that you are wondering where I am in my journey. I missed you too. I know that many of you have been concerned that I “fell off the wagon.” I am happy to report that nothing of the kind has occurred. Let me fill you on things over the past month or so.
Anyone who has an addiction can tell you that the most difficult times in dealing with your demons occur when you are faced with adversity, emotional discomfort and stress. If that is true, I was facing a “SuperBowl” of personal issues in the month of August. When faced with uncomfortable issues within my adult life, I have always turned to food. Since embarking on this journey, I knew that I could no longer “stuff” my problems. I would need to face them in a different way. For the first time in my life, I allowed myself to experience pain. I cried when I felt pain, addressed issues in the kindest way I could when someone said something that bothered me, and I did not allow myself to feel guilt over any of those things which would have caused me to eat my frustrations. I knew that if I was going to achieve my personal health goals, I would need to face the issues. So, that’s what I did and do you know what? I didn’t die from it!
For all of my life, I have avoided emotional confrontation or taken it head-on then felt bad about it and ate to soothe myself. I lived in fear of facing issues without my comforter – food. I think that at some level, I really did think that the burden would be too much for me to bear. But it wasn’t. It turns out that I am actually stronger than I thought I was and that I am able to handle things appropriately. I relied on my faith to help me when I was weak. I did deep breathing in times of distress. I cried when I was frustrated. I communicated my issues out loud. I was in charge of the situation and balanced for the first time. I did not contemplate the notion of eating to medicate myself. I used my energy to process through the emotional work that needed to be done. My weight stayed relatively stable; however, my attempts for exercise were minimal, at best.
I am happy to report that the issues have stabilized over the past couple of weeks and so I thought it best to get myself on-track again. I once again met with my nutritionist, Suzanne, who encouraged me to continue my entries on this blog. We both felt comfortable that I am in “the zone” with my food choices and now it was time to get tough on exercise. My first goal is to start by exercising 30 minutes, 3 days per week for a month. After I have achieved some success with 3 times per week, we will increase to 4, and so on. I agreed to let Suzanne know that I’ve exercised on my designated days, so that she knows that I am following through in my commitment. My appointment with Suzanne was on Sept. 7th and I am happy to tell you that I have been successful in my first week in achieving 3 days of exercise. I “danced with the stars” two mornings before work and went for a walk to enjoy the beautiful fall weather this afternoon. Exercise is not really my thing, but I do love dancing and music so I feel that I am reaching happy mediums in these two methods of working out.
So, I’M BAAAAAAAAAAACCCKKKKK! I promise to try to stay in touch with you and keep you posted. Thanks for your support and concern. You are a huge part of this journey and will be part of my success.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Dreams as a Driver for the Future
After 6 weeks, I have lost 14.5 pounds, an average of roughly 2 pounds a week. I continued to struggle with establishment of an exercise routine, but then I talked with a friend about it. She gave me a fabulous suggestion. She said that if I lay out my workout clothes before I went to bed, with a plan for morning exercise, it would force me to have to make a decision not to do it. I got up the next morning and it worked! I woke up, rolled out of bed, put my workout clothes on and went for a 1.5 mile walk. I really had a great time walking, listening to my Ipod and seeing things that I've never noticed before. Now, I just need to figure out a way to make this work during the work week. I knew that this would not be a quick weight loss, but my plan is to have concluded my journey by October 14, 2012, the day before my 49th birthday. I have always been convinced that if I am EVER able to finally shed my weight that it would completely change the direction of my life.
When I was about 20 years old, I had a short period of time when I felt "skinny." I was under the care of a bariatrics physician at the time and was able to shed over 50 pounds in about 3 months. For the first and only time in my life, I actually had people worried about whether I was too thin! The very people who were concerned about my excess weight were now concerned in the other direction. My treatment plan was very unhealthy as I was placed on medications that were the equivalent of both speed and a tranquilizer, plus a thyroid medication. Talk about messing with your system! In addition, the food regiment was to eat a 1/2 grapefruit in the morning, a Slim Fast Shake for lunch and a sensible dinner of about 4 oz. of meat and a vegetable - in essence, not enough food to maintain the loss. Throughout that time, I discovered a new aspect of life. I saw that there could be a life where people don't automatically judge you by appearance and I loved it. Interestingly though, I had friends and relatives that were so proud of my loss that they would share my news of weight loss with everyone I met - even those who never knew me as a fat person. I asked them to stop telling everyone so that I could build a new life for myself - fat free. I was ashamed of my weight roots and the fact that I had to lose so much weight. Unfortunately, the weight did not stay off and came back, plus more, very quickly, when I resumed "normal" eating. My new "friends" and some other friends and family alienated me when I was once again a fat person. It took me over a year to recover from that experience.
After an initial period of mourning, I had thoughts of a dream that I have not since forgotten. I thought that if I EVER could get this weight off, I would open a restaurant where anyone who is watching their calories or intake could come and order anything off of the menu without worries. It was always a distant dream. One that would never come to fruition as I never thought that I would accomplish the weight loss to be able to make my dream come true. Now I believe. I believe that I will do this! I believe in it because I have now allowed myself to attach my dream of the past 25+ years to my efforts and I have something greater to work toward. This is only one aspect of my dream new life, but I know that on October 15, 2012 I will be starting the next phase of life around my dreams as a healthy and vibrant woman who will be celebrating her last year of her 40's. I can't wait - but I will. . . there is much to do between now and then.
When I was about 20 years old, I had a short period of time when I felt "skinny." I was under the care of a bariatrics physician at the time and was able to shed over 50 pounds in about 3 months. For the first and only time in my life, I actually had people worried about whether I was too thin! The very people who were concerned about my excess weight were now concerned in the other direction. My treatment plan was very unhealthy as I was placed on medications that were the equivalent of both speed and a tranquilizer, plus a thyroid medication. Talk about messing with your system! In addition, the food regiment was to eat a 1/2 grapefruit in the morning, a Slim Fast Shake for lunch and a sensible dinner of about 4 oz. of meat and a vegetable - in essence, not enough food to maintain the loss. Throughout that time, I discovered a new aspect of life. I saw that there could be a life where people don't automatically judge you by appearance and I loved it. Interestingly though, I had friends and relatives that were so proud of my loss that they would share my news of weight loss with everyone I met - even those who never knew me as a fat person. I asked them to stop telling everyone so that I could build a new life for myself - fat free. I was ashamed of my weight roots and the fact that I had to lose so much weight. Unfortunately, the weight did not stay off and came back, plus more, very quickly, when I resumed "normal" eating. My new "friends" and some other friends and family alienated me when I was once again a fat person. It took me over a year to recover from that experience.
After an initial period of mourning, I had thoughts of a dream that I have not since forgotten. I thought that if I EVER could get this weight off, I would open a restaurant where anyone who is watching their calories or intake could come and order anything off of the menu without worries. It was always a distant dream. One that would never come to fruition as I never thought that I would accomplish the weight loss to be able to make my dream come true. Now I believe. I believe that I will do this! I believe in it because I have now allowed myself to attach my dream of the past 25+ years to my efforts and I have something greater to work toward. This is only one aspect of my dream new life, but I know that on October 15, 2012 I will be starting the next phase of life around my dreams as a healthy and vibrant woman who will be celebrating her last year of her 40's. I can't wait - but I will. . . there is much to do between now and then.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Five Week Check-In
On June 20, 2010, I set a new course for my life. I engaged in a space where I had never gone in deciding to learn to trust myself with food. It could have sounded like a crazy thing to do, but I am learning more every day and discovering that it is probably one of the most sane things that I have done in my adulthood. Instead of allowing myself to be directed by a vicious inner voice that will tear into me at the first sign of weakness, I am learning to recognize bad behavior and trying to figure out how to engage positive change.
First, I’m happy to report that I have lost a total of 12.8 pounds as of last Friday. That means that I weighed in at 294.2. With my start, I had hoped that it would have been a bit more at this point, but I am convicted to not be in a hurry. When I think of how long it took me to put on the pounds, a two-year estimated commitment isn’t bad. In addition, it is my hope that over the course of the 730 days, I would create some new habits that would allow me to have a life. Some would say to “get their life back,” but since I never really had a life without obsessing about bad food, it will be a first. I have made some discoveries along the way too.
I now know that tackling this food addiction will be the single most important work that I will do and that accomplishment of this mission, with God’s help, will change the trajectory of my life. I am more convicted than ever about what I must do and I am having some success in helping others to understand what I am working toward and why food addiction is similar yet different from other addictions. With the assistance of an online retreat which is connected to the book, “Women, Food and God” by Geneen Roth, I am learning more about how to control the evil inner voice that talks us toward failure and I believe that transformation is possible.
Let’s do a quick inventory of the goals that I set and assess my progress so far:
Set an exercise schedule, start it and stick to it
Not accomplished yet. I have much to do. I have not succeeded in getting myself into a set exercise regimen. This is something that I know that I must change and my goal for the coming month is to accomplish this task. On a positive note, I find myself opting more toward physical activities, such as playing backyard games like badminton or bocce ball instead of being a total “patio potato.”
Identify my support group and set up this blog
Check. Your incredible support has been overwhelming and extremely inspirational.
Identify my food triggers or why I want to overeat
In progress. I am becoming increasingly aware of my food triggers such as sugar and greasy foods and avoid them like unwelcome crashers at my health party.
AVOID ALL DRIVE THRUS
While you know I have fallen off this wagon, I have been safely back on for about two weeks. I have no intention of ever breaking this rule again. In addition, I have discovered new “closets” besides my car, where I would eat uncontrollably without even being aware of it.
Investigate the resources available through Overeaters Anonymous (OA) and consider participation in their groups, if available.
I did the investigation of OA during my first week. While I found what they had to say extremely helpful, I have found a comfortable journey in following Geneen Roth’s work. About three weeks ago, God was definitely trying to get my attention to explore Ms. Roth’s work. On five – yes 5 – different occasions, I was turned onto Ms. Roth, her book, or her online retreat from several different sources within my life. I had purchased the book after the second “tap on the shoulder,” but then three more “taps” told me about a six-week online retreat that she had available. A dear former colleague suggested that we explore it together and, after some creative financing was able to be arranged through Ms. Roth’s commitment to people who want to transform their relationship with food, I began the online retreat a week ago. I have listened in and participated in two sessions so far and I intend to continue through the end of the course.
So, overall, I think that I’m walking my path. It is a very human path. A path with detours, and construction, and, sometimes, destruction, but nevertheless, it is MY path. This seems to be the theme of my day. Today at church, there was particular emphasis on a passage from the book of Proverbs that says “Trust in the Lord with all your heart . . . and He will direct your path.” While I know that this passage may not resonate for everyone, it did for me today. I have faith that my path is clear, my direction is strong and my conviction remains in tact.
Thank you for your continued notes, comments, and support. You make the long road much better.
First, I’m happy to report that I have lost a total of 12.8 pounds as of last Friday. That means that I weighed in at 294.2. With my start, I had hoped that it would have been a bit more at this point, but I am convicted to not be in a hurry. When I think of how long it took me to put on the pounds, a two-year estimated commitment isn’t bad. In addition, it is my hope that over the course of the 730 days, I would create some new habits that would allow me to have a life. Some would say to “get their life back,” but since I never really had a life without obsessing about bad food, it will be a first. I have made some discoveries along the way too.
I now know that tackling this food addiction will be the single most important work that I will do and that accomplishment of this mission, with God’s help, will change the trajectory of my life. I am more convicted than ever about what I must do and I am having some success in helping others to understand what I am working toward and why food addiction is similar yet different from other addictions. With the assistance of an online retreat which is connected to the book, “Women, Food and God” by Geneen Roth, I am learning more about how to control the evil inner voice that talks us toward failure and I believe that transformation is possible.
Let’s do a quick inventory of the goals that I set and assess my progress so far:
Set an exercise schedule, start it and stick to it
Not accomplished yet. I have much to do. I have not succeeded in getting myself into a set exercise regimen. This is something that I know that I must change and my goal for the coming month is to accomplish this task. On a positive note, I find myself opting more toward physical activities, such as playing backyard games like badminton or bocce ball instead of being a total “patio potato.”
Identify my support group and set up this blog
Check. Your incredible support has been overwhelming and extremely inspirational.
Identify my food triggers or why I want to overeat
In progress. I am becoming increasingly aware of my food triggers such as sugar and greasy foods and avoid them like unwelcome crashers at my health party.
AVOID ALL DRIVE THRUS
While you know I have fallen off this wagon, I have been safely back on for about two weeks. I have no intention of ever breaking this rule again. In addition, I have discovered new “closets” besides my car, where I would eat uncontrollably without even being aware of it.
Investigate the resources available through Overeaters Anonymous (OA) and consider participation in their groups, if available.
I did the investigation of OA during my first week. While I found what they had to say extremely helpful, I have found a comfortable journey in following Geneen Roth’s work. About three weeks ago, God was definitely trying to get my attention to explore Ms. Roth’s work. On five – yes 5 – different occasions, I was turned onto Ms. Roth, her book, or her online retreat from several different sources within my life. I had purchased the book after the second “tap on the shoulder,” but then three more “taps” told me about a six-week online retreat that she had available. A dear former colleague suggested that we explore it together and, after some creative financing was able to be arranged through Ms. Roth’s commitment to people who want to transform their relationship with food, I began the online retreat a week ago. I have listened in and participated in two sessions so far and I intend to continue through the end of the course.
So, overall, I think that I’m walking my path. It is a very human path. A path with detours, and construction, and, sometimes, destruction, but nevertheless, it is MY path. This seems to be the theme of my day. Today at church, there was particular emphasis on a passage from the book of Proverbs that says “Trust in the Lord with all your heart . . . and He will direct your path.” While I know that this passage may not resonate for everyone, it did for me today. I have faith that my path is clear, my direction is strong and my conviction remains in tact.
Thank you for your continued notes, comments, and support. You make the long road much better.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Summertime = Food, Who Knew?
I am not a fan of the dog days of summer. The summer heat is particularly difficult on heavier people. But one of the things that I look forward to is the abundance of incredible fruit that is available during this time of year. Obviously, food has been important to me for a while, but for one time a year, an excess of this type of food is not usually problematic. After all, one does not become a person of size by pigging out on watermelon and cherries. That being said, I thought that starting a healthy lifestyle effort during summertime would be easier. The fresh fruits and vegetables would make it easier – or so I thought. What I had not realized is that so many Summer activities are centered around food.
This past weekend was busy and full of potential food disasters. On Friday, my mother, daughter and I drove to Milwaukee, WI to attend their annual Festa Italiana. As you can probably guess, the Festa was full of food. Finding healthy choices was a challenge, but I managed well as I started by sharing some fresh grapes with Ava, then eating a children’s portion of pasta and about two bites of a sausage sandwich. The next day was “date night”with my husband. We attended a fund-raising event for a local community theatre entitled “Taste of the Arts.” Although we knew that there would be restaurants with food tents, we thought that the evening would include some entertainment as well. Imagine my surprise when I learned that the entire event was centered around the food and spending money. It would not have been bad if there were at least one or two healthy alternatives; however, there wasn’t really even one. I thought that at least Whole Foods would provide something, but they did not. Again, I managed to get by. I found my best alternatives – fortunately in taste portions – and did not return for seconds, restricting dessert. As if this weren’t bad enough, I had invited a group of friends over to brunch. I carefully planned selections that were tasty but healthy. I never realized how much of my life was circled around food. Surely there are other things to do!
I am very proud of the way that I am learning to manage my addiction. There is always an opportunity to go wrong, but I am finding that as long as I remain mindful and plan, I am doing well. I live in the moment. I don’t lose sight of my goals. I haven’t weighed myself since last Monday as I want to resume my Friday schedule, so the results remain to be seen; however, I am feeling very confident with my eating efforts. My exercise is another story! My goal for the coming week is to get a more solid schedule for exercise and stick to it.
Many thanks to the readers who have inquired about my journey and continue to support and follow my efforts. I feel your love, support and prayers and sincerely feel you with me. You are my inspiration to continue.
This past weekend was busy and full of potential food disasters. On Friday, my mother, daughter and I drove to Milwaukee, WI to attend their annual Festa Italiana. As you can probably guess, the Festa was full of food. Finding healthy choices was a challenge, but I managed well as I started by sharing some fresh grapes with Ava, then eating a children’s portion of pasta and about two bites of a sausage sandwich. The next day was “date night”with my husband. We attended a fund-raising event for a local community theatre entitled “Taste of the Arts.” Although we knew that there would be restaurants with food tents, we thought that the evening would include some entertainment as well. Imagine my surprise when I learned that the entire event was centered around the food and spending money. It would not have been bad if there were at least one or two healthy alternatives; however, there wasn’t really even one. I thought that at least Whole Foods would provide something, but they did not. Again, I managed to get by. I found my best alternatives – fortunately in taste portions – and did not return for seconds, restricting dessert. As if this weren’t bad enough, I had invited a group of friends over to brunch. I carefully planned selections that were tasty but healthy. I never realized how much of my life was circled around food. Surely there are other things to do!
I am very proud of the way that I am learning to manage my addiction. There is always an opportunity to go wrong, but I am finding that as long as I remain mindful and plan, I am doing well. I live in the moment. I don’t lose sight of my goals. I haven’t weighed myself since last Monday as I want to resume my Friday schedule, so the results remain to be seen; however, I am feeling very confident with my eating efforts. My exercise is another story! My goal for the coming week is to get a more solid schedule for exercise and stick to it.
Many thanks to the readers who have inquired about my journey and continue to support and follow my efforts. I feel your love, support and prayers and sincerely feel you with me. You are my inspiration to continue.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Without a plan . . . I’ve Got Nothing
Dear Blog Readers:
It’s been awhile since I last posted, so let me take a few moments to fill you in on things. First of all I was unable to do my usual Friday weigh-in as I was attending an out-of-town wedding away from any scales. The availability of good food choices to/from my destination of Northwest Minnesota and in restaurants in the immediate area was limited. I knew that I needed to get a plan in place in order to do some damage control. Before the trip, I preplanned bringing cut-up veggies, apple slices, mixed berries, and bottles of water to ensure some healthy alternatives. Since we had a thirteen hour drive each way, we made it a point to stop in restaurants for meals to/from our destination. The first day we stopped for breakfast and lunch. On the way home it was lunch and dinner. I made selections based on nutritional value and calorie counts and did very well. We stayed at a bed and breakfast where we were sure to get a balanced breakfast to start the day. We then supplemented with the fruit, veggies, a salad or some other healthy choices that were available in our mini-fridge. The day that we returned home was the only deviance from the plan as the B & B made fresh scones – my favorite and we stopped for Thai food for dinner. But again, given my previous portion issues, I did not do badly as I ate about 1/3 of the pad thai entrée and brought the rest home and split the rest among three of us for dinner another night. I weighed myself the day after we returned home to discover that the scale read exactly the same as last time – 296.7. After a weekend of potential disasters, I considered that a win for me. While I would rather lose weight every week, I know that my body is going through changes and will have ebbs and flows.
While we were gone, my daughter became pretty ill. She ran a high fever suddenly which we managed with over-the-counter medications, but we didn’t know where it came from. We consulted with her doctor upon our return and discovered that Ava has a urinary tract infection (UTI). Those of us who have had one know that these can be extremely painful. She was having a terrible time as she was withholding going to the bathroom to avoid the potty and the pain involved. Although she was very good about taking her medicine, she continued to withhold going to the bathroom. This became a significant stress for me as I didn’t want her to make more of the problem. I had returned to work and checked in on her periodically with my mom to see if she had changed her mind about the bathroom, but to no avail. The anxiety continued to build and by lunchtime I needed to stop home and see if I could help to convince her to go. I asked my mom if she wanted me to bring her anything and she indicated that some lunch would be nice, so I set out to get her lunch. I broke one of my cardinal rules – AVOID ALL DRIVE-THRUS – in the interest of time and went through Taco Bell’s drive-thru. I ordered 3 soft tacos and 1 bean burrito. (2 soft tacos for mom, the rest for me). In addition, I decided to go to the McDonald’s drive-thru to get Ava a Happy meal to try to coerce her by giving her something she liked. I had already eaten my food and my mom’s tacos were getting cold, so I thought she might enjoy a fish sandwich instead. I threw out the remaining tacos for fear of eating them but without even realizing it, I had ordered my mom’s fish sandwich, Ava’s Happy Meal and a 10-piece chicken nugget that I devoured before I even realized what I had done. Of course, the eater’s remorse set in shortly thereafter.
I began to think about my own wisdom in the drive-thru rule and realized that I was really right in setting that line in concrete. Although I approached this incident with the purest of intentions, my food addiction took over and brought me immediately back into bad habits. I had fed my stress and was able to deal with my daughter in a calmer manner, but at what cost? In addition, the frenzied nature of the past week or so has caused me to fall out of my food logging habit. I wish that it was as easy to create healthy behaviors as it is to fall back on what we know. Overeating is like the old fuzzy bathrobe in the back of the closet that you refuse to get rid of. It brings you a sense of comfort and peace. I know that what I’m saying is a bit irrational, but it’s the way I feel. So, I keep going. I don’t dwell on the recent mistakes and look forward to avoid some future indiscretions along the way.
It’s been awhile since I last posted, so let me take a few moments to fill you in on things. First of all I was unable to do my usual Friday weigh-in as I was attending an out-of-town wedding away from any scales. The availability of good food choices to/from my destination of Northwest Minnesota and in restaurants in the immediate area was limited. I knew that I needed to get a plan in place in order to do some damage control. Before the trip, I preplanned bringing cut-up veggies, apple slices, mixed berries, and bottles of water to ensure some healthy alternatives. Since we had a thirteen hour drive each way, we made it a point to stop in restaurants for meals to/from our destination. The first day we stopped for breakfast and lunch. On the way home it was lunch and dinner. I made selections based on nutritional value and calorie counts and did very well. We stayed at a bed and breakfast where we were sure to get a balanced breakfast to start the day. We then supplemented with the fruit, veggies, a salad or some other healthy choices that were available in our mini-fridge. The day that we returned home was the only deviance from the plan as the B & B made fresh scones – my favorite and we stopped for Thai food for dinner. But again, given my previous portion issues, I did not do badly as I ate about 1/3 of the pad thai entrée and brought the rest home and split the rest among three of us for dinner another night. I weighed myself the day after we returned home to discover that the scale read exactly the same as last time – 296.7. After a weekend of potential disasters, I considered that a win for me. While I would rather lose weight every week, I know that my body is going through changes and will have ebbs and flows.
While we were gone, my daughter became pretty ill. She ran a high fever suddenly which we managed with over-the-counter medications, but we didn’t know where it came from. We consulted with her doctor upon our return and discovered that Ava has a urinary tract infection (UTI). Those of us who have had one know that these can be extremely painful. She was having a terrible time as she was withholding going to the bathroom to avoid the potty and the pain involved. Although she was very good about taking her medicine, she continued to withhold going to the bathroom. This became a significant stress for me as I didn’t want her to make more of the problem. I had returned to work and checked in on her periodically with my mom to see if she had changed her mind about the bathroom, but to no avail. The anxiety continued to build and by lunchtime I needed to stop home and see if I could help to convince her to go. I asked my mom if she wanted me to bring her anything and she indicated that some lunch would be nice, so I set out to get her lunch. I broke one of my cardinal rules – AVOID ALL DRIVE-THRUS – in the interest of time and went through Taco Bell’s drive-thru. I ordered 3 soft tacos and 1 bean burrito. (2 soft tacos for mom, the rest for me). In addition, I decided to go to the McDonald’s drive-thru to get Ava a Happy meal to try to coerce her by giving her something she liked. I had already eaten my food and my mom’s tacos were getting cold, so I thought she might enjoy a fish sandwich instead. I threw out the remaining tacos for fear of eating them but without even realizing it, I had ordered my mom’s fish sandwich, Ava’s Happy Meal and a 10-piece chicken nugget that I devoured before I even realized what I had done. Of course, the eater’s remorse set in shortly thereafter.
I began to think about my own wisdom in the drive-thru rule and realized that I was really right in setting that line in concrete. Although I approached this incident with the purest of intentions, my food addiction took over and brought me immediately back into bad habits. I had fed my stress and was able to deal with my daughter in a calmer manner, but at what cost? In addition, the frenzied nature of the past week or so has caused me to fall out of my food logging habit. I wish that it was as easy to create healthy behaviors as it is to fall back on what we know. Overeating is like the old fuzzy bathrobe in the back of the closet that you refuse to get rid of. It brings you a sense of comfort and peace. I know that what I’m saying is a bit irrational, but it’s the way I feel. So, I keep going. I don’t dwell on the recent mistakes and look forward to avoid some future indiscretions along the way.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Life Lessons Learned from 3 to 83
The past few days have been challenging for our family as we navigated the critical illness of my husband’s beloved aunt and potty training of my 3 year old daughter, Ava. Obviously, these are two very different and unrelated experiences but these two individuals have done their share of educating “Carla” over the course of the past week.
Ava is a very smart and precocious child. She has known her shapes and colors for more than two years, her alphabet and numbers for about 1 ½ years, and her language skills are coming along very nicely; however, when it comes to potty training, she is just not interested in the entire ordeal. My husband Mike and I decided to take the “tough” approach and enter Ava into our version of potty boot camp. We sat with her in the bathroom for hours as we hoped that her bladder would eventually give into the urge to use the potty. As we spent our quality time in the bathroom, she would shout cries of “but I don’t want to go potty.” My response would always be “You have to. Sometimes we have to do things that we don’t like to do because they are good for us.” There it was. My awful truth about my relationship with exercise was staring me in the face. I realized within this potty training exercise that I am acting like my 3 year old in my philosophy about exercise. Even though I know it is good for me, I do not want to do it, all the same. Much like Ava, I need to make my own mind up about my determination in doing what is good for me.
I have realized over the course of these past few days that I have much to learn about my approach to a lot of things in order to prepare myself to better survive my food addiction and really make a new life free from my obsession and enjoying the beauty that life has to offer. We brought Ava to see her first fireworks display last night. I will never forget the look of wonder in her eyes when she saw the amazing fireworks displays. As each sequence topped the last, she sat in awe saying things like, “Wow, so many, Mommy.” or, “Look how beautiful.”
There is no food in the world that will substitute for those moments. Since food and lack of exercise could prevent me from experiencing as many of those moments as possible, I need to get it under control. Yesterday, I was very intentional about getting some movement into the course of my day. I played Bocce Ball in my backyard and walked intentionally last night around the firework grounds. My plan is to continue to increase my physical activity every day in addition to putting exercise as an appointment on my calendar.
This week’s other life lesson came from my husband’s aunt, Aunt Jo, who was on a ventilator due to complications from a surgery several weeks ago. She is 83 years old, had pneumonia, was in septic shock, had a heart condition that could not be ignored, and was having difficulty breathing. The doctors gave her a minimal chance of survival and as a family we were convinced that we were going to lose our beloved aunt. We gathered around her as she fought for her life and, slowly, over those first 72 critical hours, Aunt Jo fought her way back. God granted her a miracle and today she will be starting regular food after over a week on IV provided nutrition. She is anticipating being released from the hospital’s intensive care unit soon to begin rehabilitation. Lesson learned: “All things are possible to those who believe.” So, I will continue in my belief that I can finally conquer this addiction for the last time. I will lose an entire person in whatever time that it takes and I will learn to live life as God intended – free of addiction. I am also very happy to report that Friday’s scale showed 296.7, which means that I have lost 10.3 lbs in two weeks. More importantly, I have broken the 300 mark and I am never going to return!
Ava is a very smart and precocious child. She has known her shapes and colors for more than two years, her alphabet and numbers for about 1 ½ years, and her language skills are coming along very nicely; however, when it comes to potty training, she is just not interested in the entire ordeal. My husband Mike and I decided to take the “tough” approach and enter Ava into our version of potty boot camp. We sat with her in the bathroom for hours as we hoped that her bladder would eventually give into the urge to use the potty. As we spent our quality time in the bathroom, she would shout cries of “but I don’t want to go potty.” My response would always be “You have to. Sometimes we have to do things that we don’t like to do because they are good for us.” There it was. My awful truth about my relationship with exercise was staring me in the face. I realized within this potty training exercise that I am acting like my 3 year old in my philosophy about exercise. Even though I know it is good for me, I do not want to do it, all the same. Much like Ava, I need to make my own mind up about my determination in doing what is good for me.
I have realized over the course of these past few days that I have much to learn about my approach to a lot of things in order to prepare myself to better survive my food addiction and really make a new life free from my obsession and enjoying the beauty that life has to offer. We brought Ava to see her first fireworks display last night. I will never forget the look of wonder in her eyes when she saw the amazing fireworks displays. As each sequence topped the last, she sat in awe saying things like, “Wow, so many, Mommy.” or, “Look how beautiful.”
There is no food in the world that will substitute for those moments. Since food and lack of exercise could prevent me from experiencing as many of those moments as possible, I need to get it under control. Yesterday, I was very intentional about getting some movement into the course of my day. I played Bocce Ball in my backyard and walked intentionally last night around the firework grounds. My plan is to continue to increase my physical activity every day in addition to putting exercise as an appointment on my calendar.
This week’s other life lesson came from my husband’s aunt, Aunt Jo, who was on a ventilator due to complications from a surgery several weeks ago. She is 83 years old, had pneumonia, was in septic shock, had a heart condition that could not be ignored, and was having difficulty breathing. The doctors gave her a minimal chance of survival and as a family we were convinced that we were going to lose our beloved aunt. We gathered around her as she fought for her life and, slowly, over those first 72 critical hours, Aunt Jo fought her way back. God granted her a miracle and today she will be starting regular food after over a week on IV provided nutrition. She is anticipating being released from the hospital’s intensive care unit soon to begin rehabilitation. Lesson learned: “All things are possible to those who believe.” So, I will continue in my belief that I can finally conquer this addiction for the last time. I will lose an entire person in whatever time that it takes and I will learn to live life as God intended – free of addiction. I am also very happy to report that Friday’s scale showed 296.7, which means that I have lost 10.3 lbs in two weeks. More importantly, I have broken the 300 mark and I am never going to return!
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Mindless for a Moment Takes Time to Recover
Well, it finally happened. I let my guard down for just a short while and I ate something that I probably shouldn’t have. Last night as I was getting my food ready for today at work, I planned for a really healthy day. Oatmeal for breakfast, two snacks – one cut-up watermelon, the other yogurt with grape nuts, Homemade Lemon Lentil Soup with Kale accompanied by some leftover rice (to help with the effects of the lentils and kale). There was a plan. When I got up this morning, I realized that I had a lunch engagement on my schedule so I left the lunch items at home in the refrigerator.
My day was going along fine. Some challenges along the way, but nothing too out of the ordinary until about 11:00 AM. You see, at 11:00 AM, my colleague and I were on a conference call with the head of a company whose services we had opted to terminate. It was uncomfortable. It felt awkward. I felt guilty that I had made another person feel bad. My guard was down. I was then notified that the lunch was cancelled, so I started to prepare myself for going out to get something to eat. It was then that I remembered the sign from the deli in our building, advertising the special of the day – Lasagna with Meat Sauce and Garlic Bread. Ordinarily this would not even appeal to me as I am a sort of pasta snob, being raised Italian, but today I thought, “Why don’t I just go get a piece of the Lasagna downstairs?” I then mentally justified that I could save ½ of it for tomorrow and I wouldn’t eat the garlic bread. Do I really need to tell you what happened? . . . You guessed it – I bought the Lasagna with the Meat Sauce and the Garlic Bread and a Caffeine Free Diet Coke, of course, brought it to my office, closed the door, and ate all of it. It’s not that it was particularly delicious, it was just there.
I let my guard down and old habits prevailed. At the end of the meal I had eaten too much of food that, frankly, wasn’t that great and I didn’t know why. That mindless momentary satisfaction to feed my wounded soul is going to cost me some time. It means that it will take me more time to fight this food addiction battle. The bright part of all of this is that I have two take-aways from this experience. The first is that I have discovered another closet that I have been hiding in that I was not even aware I had – my office. So I now need to create another line in the concrete that along with avoiding drive-thrus, I will never eat my lunch behind a closed door. While I used to close the door at lunchtime to get away from work related interruptions on my lunch hour, I have changed it to hide the food that I don’t want others to see me eat. Secondly, it reminds me that I am still very vulnerable and fragile. I must continue to pursue my mission with care and caution.
My day was going along fine. Some challenges along the way, but nothing too out of the ordinary until about 11:00 AM. You see, at 11:00 AM, my colleague and I were on a conference call with the head of a company whose services we had opted to terminate. It was uncomfortable. It felt awkward. I felt guilty that I had made another person feel bad. My guard was down. I was then notified that the lunch was cancelled, so I started to prepare myself for going out to get something to eat. It was then that I remembered the sign from the deli in our building, advertising the special of the day – Lasagna with Meat Sauce and Garlic Bread. Ordinarily this would not even appeal to me as I am a sort of pasta snob, being raised Italian, but today I thought, “Why don’t I just go get a piece of the Lasagna downstairs?” I then mentally justified that I could save ½ of it for tomorrow and I wouldn’t eat the garlic bread. Do I really need to tell you what happened? . . . You guessed it – I bought the Lasagna with the Meat Sauce and the Garlic Bread and a Caffeine Free Diet Coke, of course, brought it to my office, closed the door, and ate all of it. It’s not that it was particularly delicious, it was just there.
I let my guard down and old habits prevailed. At the end of the meal I had eaten too much of food that, frankly, wasn’t that great and I didn’t know why. That mindless momentary satisfaction to feed my wounded soul is going to cost me some time. It means that it will take me more time to fight this food addiction battle. The bright part of all of this is that I have two take-aways from this experience. The first is that I have discovered another closet that I have been hiding in that I was not even aware I had – my office. So I now need to create another line in the concrete that along with avoiding drive-thrus, I will never eat my lunch behind a closed door. While I used to close the door at lunchtime to get away from work related interruptions on my lunch hour, I have changed it to hide the food that I don’t want others to see me eat. Secondly, it reminds me that I am still very vulnerable and fragile. I must continue to pursue my mission with care and caution.
Monday, June 28, 2010
"What Is Essential, Is Invisible to the Eye"
I’ve been on my program for about 11 days now. Things have been pretty painless. I’ve eaten different kinds of food, eaten at home, at work, in restaurants, avoided drive-thrus and desserts, pretty much without issue. I drank more water than soft drinks, etc. and I thought to myself . . . “This has been pretty easy.” Then my body reminded me of the abuse that I have been putting it through for many years. You see, as a result of my consistent lifestyle of overindulgence, I have compromised my digestive system. I am super-sensitive to any kind of food bacteria and when I come in contact with one, my body reacts violently, making me have renewed empathy for women who are experiencing their first trimester of pregnancy.
I started my day off well yesterday with a balanced breakfast at about 8:00 AM. By 1:15 PM, I was ravenous and ready to eat the bark off a tree, so I thought it best to eat a healthy TMO (my term for “tide me over”). So I grabbed a fresh peach from the fruit bowl in my kitchen, washed it and dug in. It was juicy and delicious, but I could tell that things weren’t right almost immediately. One of the health issues that I have developed over the years is GERD, or Acid Reflux Syndrome. I must be very careful with acidic foods. Although I have never had a reaction to peaches, this one affected my body differently. Within minutes, I was hugging the commode and hoping that it would end soon. It was awful. At first I thought about having a chat with my body and saying, “Wait a minute, I’ve been treating you very well lately. Why are you reacting this way?” But it got me thinking. . .
I have been mistreating the delicate balance of my God-given body for decades and now I change a behavior for just over a week and expect everything to be resolved? I guess my expectations were too high. This set-back served as a reminder to me that this battle is only going to be won by engaging in very deliberate and mindful behaviors on a consistent basis. I will need to be as devoted to healthy eating and exercise as I had been to overindulgence and a sedentary lifestyle. The essential ingredient for success is time. Time to change patterns. Time to begin new behaviors and routines. Time to allow my body to heal. Time to right the wrongs of so many years.
Author Antoine De Saint –Exupery was right, In his book, the Little Prince, a wise fox shared a very simple secret with the title character. He said, “It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.” The lesson for me is that I may think that I know the basics of what I will need to do, but to be truly successful, I will need to keep my heart engaged and never lose sight of the prize of a healthy life that is free of slavery to food. It will be a long road, but I’ll get there. . .
I started my day off well yesterday with a balanced breakfast at about 8:00 AM. By 1:15 PM, I was ravenous and ready to eat the bark off a tree, so I thought it best to eat a healthy TMO (my term for “tide me over”). So I grabbed a fresh peach from the fruit bowl in my kitchen, washed it and dug in. It was juicy and delicious, but I could tell that things weren’t right almost immediately. One of the health issues that I have developed over the years is GERD, or Acid Reflux Syndrome. I must be very careful with acidic foods. Although I have never had a reaction to peaches, this one affected my body differently. Within minutes, I was hugging the commode and hoping that it would end soon. It was awful. At first I thought about having a chat with my body and saying, “Wait a minute, I’ve been treating you very well lately. Why are you reacting this way?” But it got me thinking. . .
I have been mistreating the delicate balance of my God-given body for decades and now I change a behavior for just over a week and expect everything to be resolved? I guess my expectations were too high. This set-back served as a reminder to me that this battle is only going to be won by engaging in very deliberate and mindful behaviors on a consistent basis. I will need to be as devoted to healthy eating and exercise as I had been to overindulgence and a sedentary lifestyle. The essential ingredient for success is time. Time to change patterns. Time to begin new behaviors and routines. Time to allow my body to heal. Time to right the wrongs of so many years.
Author Antoine De Saint –Exupery was right, In his book, the Little Prince, a wise fox shared a very simple secret with the title character. He said, “It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.” The lesson for me is that I may think that I know the basics of what I will need to do, but to be truly successful, I will need to keep my heart engaged and never lose sight of the prize of a healthy life that is free of slavery to food. It will be a long road, but I’ll get there. . .
Friday, June 25, 2010
It's Magic . . . Not Really
It has been one week since I began my weight loss journey, so the moment of truth came this morning. It was time to step on the scale. I began by doing everything that a good weight watcher does. I went to the bathroom, took a shower to ensure every bit of the dirt that weighs me down was off my body then I stepped on the scale . . . then I stepped on it again, and again, and again. The reason that I did it a total of about 7 times is because I wasn’t getting a consistent reading. It did read one number 3 times, so I decided to take that one – 301.5 – that’s a loss of 5.5 lbs in one week!
It’s funny how this works. You eat good and healthy food, more frequently in the day, drink more water instead of pop all day long, get some exercise and voila, it’s magic! Maybe not. I have been very mindful and deliberate in my eating this week and am very aware of everything that I consume.
I have eaten some “non-diet” type of foods such as pizza and a dessert at a formal function, but my mind and approach have been completely different. One night this week, I worked late and it was getting late to cook dinner, so I decided to stop at Whole Foods to pick up something prepared. Lucky for me it was pizza special night so I decided to pick up a multi-grain crust margherita pizza for my family for dinner. I was very careful in my portions and I was surprised to discover that I was satisfied with about 1 ½ slices versus the 2-3 that I would have eaten in the past. The great thing was that under old circumstances, my family would have easily finished a 16” pizza but this time, we had over a third left over.
Last night, I had the honor of attending a formal function for the association management profession at Navy Pier. I had a plan – to have a good time, and not concentrate on food consumption. It worked. I ate moderately and then dessert was served. It was sort of a creamy luscious chocolate dessert. I opted to allow myself to try a few bites with a cup of decaf coffee. There is something about coffee and chocolate that I just love! So, I got my coffee and had about 3-4 spoons of dessert and promptly gave it to a member of the wait staff to take it away. It’s not that I didn’t trust myself, but . . . I didn’t trust myself! I was very satisfied with the coffee and taste and had a wonderful time networking with colleagues.
My exact exercise plan has not worked, but I have substituted other days and will still be living up to my 3 x per week commitment. I guess I’m learning that the key to this for me is going to be flexibility. There really isn’t any magic. During one of my previous weight loss attempts, I was working out at Lifetime Fitness, and I must have looked like I was having a hard time. I looked up and there was an older African-American man on a machine across from mine. At that moment, he made eye contact with me and then said these words that I haven’t forgotten in over two years, “if you keep doing what you’re doing, you’re going to get where you want to go.” He’s right. There’s no magic formula that’s going to take the weight off . . . the magic comes afterward as you put the old clothes on and you discover the need for new ones so that you don’t look like you’re dressed in a paper bag! I must confess that I violated my drive thru rule. . . but don't worry it was the drive-thru teller at the bank this morning! I think you will agree that the bank drive-thru is a good exception.
It’s funny how this works. You eat good and healthy food, more frequently in the day, drink more water instead of pop all day long, get some exercise and voila, it’s magic! Maybe not. I have been very mindful and deliberate in my eating this week and am very aware of everything that I consume.
I have eaten some “non-diet” type of foods such as pizza and a dessert at a formal function, but my mind and approach have been completely different. One night this week, I worked late and it was getting late to cook dinner, so I decided to stop at Whole Foods to pick up something prepared. Lucky for me it was pizza special night so I decided to pick up a multi-grain crust margherita pizza for my family for dinner. I was very careful in my portions and I was surprised to discover that I was satisfied with about 1 ½ slices versus the 2-3 that I would have eaten in the past. The great thing was that under old circumstances, my family would have easily finished a 16” pizza but this time, we had over a third left over.
Last night, I had the honor of attending a formal function for the association management profession at Navy Pier. I had a plan – to have a good time, and not concentrate on food consumption. It worked. I ate moderately and then dessert was served. It was sort of a creamy luscious chocolate dessert. I opted to allow myself to try a few bites with a cup of decaf coffee. There is something about coffee and chocolate that I just love! So, I got my coffee and had about 3-4 spoons of dessert and promptly gave it to a member of the wait staff to take it away. It’s not that I didn’t trust myself, but . . . I didn’t trust myself! I was very satisfied with the coffee and taste and had a wonderful time networking with colleagues.
My exact exercise plan has not worked, but I have substituted other days and will still be living up to my 3 x per week commitment. I guess I’m learning that the key to this for me is going to be flexibility. There really isn’t any magic. During one of my previous weight loss attempts, I was working out at Lifetime Fitness, and I must have looked like I was having a hard time. I looked up and there was an older African-American man on a machine across from mine. At that moment, he made eye contact with me and then said these words that I haven’t forgotten in over two years, “if you keep doing what you’re doing, you’re going to get where you want to go.” He’s right. There’s no magic formula that’s going to take the weight off . . . the magic comes afterward as you put the old clothes on and you discover the need for new ones so that you don’t look like you’re dressed in a paper bag! I must confess that I violated my drive thru rule. . . but don't worry it was the drive-thru teller at the bank this morning! I think you will agree that the bank drive-thru is a good exception.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
One Day at a Time - the Definition of Courage
I am incredibly lucky to have a network of family, friends and colleagues who are so supportive. I have received numerous messages from supporters letting me know that they are with me, on my team, or behind my effort all the way. Although I have tried to combat my compulsive overeating more times than I could possibly count, this time feels different.
Many of the e-mails that I received included the word "courage" and I started thinking about the definition of that word. So, I went to the dictionary for synonyms to "courage." They included "fearlessness," "dauntlessness," "intrepidity," and "spirit." What an incredible compliment! I never really thought about my effort being courageous; rather, I considered it necessary to come out of my shame. Then I started to think about something. The opposite of courage is fear and I have been fearful of myself, my weight, judgement, and failure for my entire life. I think that everyone wants to consider themselves courageous, yet as I think about my past behaviors I realize what a coward I have been in facing my fears. I am very privileged to now wear "courage" as my badge of honor.
So, you are probably wondering how it's going. So far, so good. Every day is a new day. My eating has been healthy and I am viewing food as fuel, making wise choices along the way. I approach exercise as a "must" instead of an option. I was not able to exercise on Monday evening as originally planned due to work commitments; however, I resolved to make up for it tonight and did Latin Cardio Dancing with the Stars for 45 minutes in the privacy of my family room. I had so much fun dancing the meringue, samba, cha cha, and mambo and the workout was incredible! Truly the first time I've had a good time exercising in the past 10 years. This is looking promising. . . as long as I continue to live one day at a time.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
The Beginning
June 20, 2010
Hello Blog Readers!
Welcome to the Carla/Carla Project Blog. As one of the countless number of Americans who are morbidly obese, I am taking matters into my own hands. Without the help of surgeries or “magical diets,” I will be working to recover from my food addiction and to gain a healthier lifestyle for the first time in my adult life. Over the course of the next two years – yes, it will probably take that long – I will be changing my eating habits and my lifestyle to become an active and healthy woman before the age of 50.
First, let me tell you a little about myself. I am 46 years old and have been struggling with weight issues since I was about 13. 33 years – the entire lifetime of Jesus! I have decided to permanently get off my own cross of excess weight and a sedentary lifestyle for several reasons:
1. I have a 3 ½ year old daughter, a husband, and a mother who need me;
2. I have been over 300 lbs. for more than a decade;
3. I am in danger of some pretty serious health risks if I don’t do something to reverse my weight within this time period;
4. I need to stop worrying about everyone else and dedicate some energy to helping myself.
I realize that these facts could be a little horrifying for those who know and love me. Believe me, I have done my best to hide them over the years. But I believe that my first step toward being real in this battle is to admit my food addiction and where I am today, so that I can move on. It could be followed with thoughts of how I could let this happen, etc. I don’t know the answers to those questions, it just did. So, like me, you will need to just move on, accepting the facts and looking toward the future.
My story isn’t unique. There are millions of Americans who came to the same end albeit by different routes. We all eat for our individual reasons, but the point is that we eat to substitute for something that feels missing or out of control. My issue was more on the side of control. There are many things in life that we cannot control such as work situations or circumstances, and family illnesses, just to name a few. My sense of duty has also made me feel that I need to be available and be all things to all people – except myself. My illogical logic said that I didn’t have to set controls on my eating habits because there were so many controls and limits in other parts of my life. (I realize that makes no sense, but it really is where my head is/was.) I now realize that I need some boundaries.
So, I start on my journey of finding a balance in life and ways to cope with day-to-day living that are healthier.
My stats:
Beginning:
Height: 5 ft. 7 in
Weight: 307 lbs (according to my bathroom scale)
Size: 24 W (that's 24 Womens)
Goal
Height: 5 ft. 7 ½ in. (yes, I hope to gain a ½ inch in better posture)
Weight: Certainly under 200, final ending weight to be determined
Size: A minimum of a size 14 that is not followed by the letter “W”
My first goals are:
1. Set an exercise schedule, start it, and stick to it (Mondays and Thursdays after work and Saturday mornings for 45 minutes at Curves)
2. Identify my support group and set up this blog
3. Identify my food triggers or why I want to overeat
4. AVOID ALL DRIVE THRUS – no good comes of a drive-thru for me, so I have set a line in the concrete that I am not to ever go through a drive thru again – If I want to eat something from a restaurant that includes a drive-thru, I will need to order it out in the open, in public for all to see instead of “closet eating” within the security of my car.
5. Investigate the resources available through Overeaters Anonymous and consider my participation in their groups, if available.
So, I’m off. I hope to post to this blog at least a few times per week and hope that you are motivated to pursue a healthy lifestyle with me. I invite any and all positive interactions with you, blog readers. I hope to do myself, and you, proud.
Hello Blog Readers!
Welcome to the Carla/Carla Project Blog. As one of the countless number of Americans who are morbidly obese, I am taking matters into my own hands. Without the help of surgeries or “magical diets,” I will be working to recover from my food addiction and to gain a healthier lifestyle for the first time in my adult life. Over the course of the next two years – yes, it will probably take that long – I will be changing my eating habits and my lifestyle to become an active and healthy woman before the age of 50.
First, let me tell you a little about myself. I am 46 years old and have been struggling with weight issues since I was about 13. 33 years – the entire lifetime of Jesus! I have decided to permanently get off my own cross of excess weight and a sedentary lifestyle for several reasons:
1. I have a 3 ½ year old daughter, a husband, and a mother who need me;
2. I have been over 300 lbs. for more than a decade;
3. I am in danger of some pretty serious health risks if I don’t do something to reverse my weight within this time period;
4. I need to stop worrying about everyone else and dedicate some energy to helping myself.
I realize that these facts could be a little horrifying for those who know and love me. Believe me, I have done my best to hide them over the years. But I believe that my first step toward being real in this battle is to admit my food addiction and where I am today, so that I can move on. It could be followed with thoughts of how I could let this happen, etc. I don’t know the answers to those questions, it just did. So, like me, you will need to just move on, accepting the facts and looking toward the future.
My story isn’t unique. There are millions of Americans who came to the same end albeit by different routes. We all eat for our individual reasons, but the point is that we eat to substitute for something that feels missing or out of control. My issue was more on the side of control. There are many things in life that we cannot control such as work situations or circumstances, and family illnesses, just to name a few. My sense of duty has also made me feel that I need to be available and be all things to all people – except myself. My illogical logic said that I didn’t have to set controls on my eating habits because there were so many controls and limits in other parts of my life. (I realize that makes no sense, but it really is where my head is/was.) I now realize that I need some boundaries.
So, I start on my journey of finding a balance in life and ways to cope with day-to-day living that are healthier.
My stats:
Beginning:
Height: 5 ft. 7 in
Weight: 307 lbs (according to my bathroom scale)
Size: 24 W (that's 24 Womens)
Goal
Height: 5 ft. 7 ½ in. (yes, I hope to gain a ½ inch in better posture)
Weight: Certainly under 200, final ending weight to be determined
Size: A minimum of a size 14 that is not followed by the letter “W”
My first goals are:
1. Set an exercise schedule, start it, and stick to it (Mondays and Thursdays after work and Saturday mornings for 45 minutes at Curves)
2. Identify my support group and set up this blog
3. Identify my food triggers or why I want to overeat
4. AVOID ALL DRIVE THRUS – no good comes of a drive-thru for me, so I have set a line in the concrete that I am not to ever go through a drive thru again – If I want to eat something from a restaurant that includes a drive-thru, I will need to order it out in the open, in public for all to see instead of “closet eating” within the security of my car.
5. Investigate the resources available through Overeaters Anonymous and consider my participation in their groups, if available.
So, I’m off. I hope to post to this blog at least a few times per week and hope that you are motivated to pursue a healthy lifestyle with me. I invite any and all positive interactions with you, blog readers. I hope to do myself, and you, proud.
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