On June 20, 2010, I set a new course for my life. I engaged in a space where I had never gone in deciding to learn to trust myself with food. It could have sounded like a crazy thing to do, but I am learning more every day and discovering that it is probably one of the most sane things that I have done in my adulthood. Instead of allowing myself to be directed by a vicious inner voice that will tear into me at the first sign of weakness, I am learning to recognize bad behavior and trying to figure out how to engage positive change.
First, I’m happy to report that I have lost a total of 12.8 pounds as of last Friday. That means that I weighed in at 294.2. With my start, I had hoped that it would have been a bit more at this point, but I am convicted to not be in a hurry. When I think of how long it took me to put on the pounds, a two-year estimated commitment isn’t bad. In addition, it is my hope that over the course of the 730 days, I would create some new habits that would allow me to have a life. Some would say to “get their life back,” but since I never really had a life without obsessing about bad food, it will be a first. I have made some discoveries along the way too.
I now know that tackling this food addiction will be the single most important work that I will do and that accomplishment of this mission, with God’s help, will change the trajectory of my life. I am more convicted than ever about what I must do and I am having some success in helping others to understand what I am working toward and why food addiction is similar yet different from other addictions. With the assistance of an online retreat which is connected to the book, “Women, Food and God” by Geneen Roth, I am learning more about how to control the evil inner voice that talks us toward failure and I believe that transformation is possible.
Let’s do a quick inventory of the goals that I set and assess my progress so far:
Set an exercise schedule, start it and stick to it
Not accomplished yet. I have much to do. I have not succeeded in getting myself into a set exercise regimen. This is something that I know that I must change and my goal for the coming month is to accomplish this task. On a positive note, I find myself opting more toward physical activities, such as playing backyard games like badminton or bocce ball instead of being a total “patio potato.”
Identify my support group and set up this blog
Check. Your incredible support has been overwhelming and extremely inspirational.
Identify my food triggers or why I want to overeat
In progress. I am becoming increasingly aware of my food triggers such as sugar and greasy foods and avoid them like unwelcome crashers at my health party.
AVOID ALL DRIVE THRUS
While you know I have fallen off this wagon, I have been safely back on for about two weeks. I have no intention of ever breaking this rule again. In addition, I have discovered new “closets” besides my car, where I would eat uncontrollably without even being aware of it.
Investigate the resources available through Overeaters Anonymous (OA) and consider participation in their groups, if available.
I did the investigation of OA during my first week. While I found what they had to say extremely helpful, I have found a comfortable journey in following Geneen Roth’s work. About three weeks ago, God was definitely trying to get my attention to explore Ms. Roth’s work. On five – yes 5 – different occasions, I was turned onto Ms. Roth, her book, or her online retreat from several different sources within my life. I had purchased the book after the second “tap on the shoulder,” but then three more “taps” told me about a six-week online retreat that she had available. A dear former colleague suggested that we explore it together and, after some creative financing was able to be arranged through Ms. Roth’s commitment to people who want to transform their relationship with food, I began the online retreat a week ago. I have listened in and participated in two sessions so far and I intend to continue through the end of the course.
So, overall, I think that I’m walking my path. It is a very human path. A path with detours, and construction, and, sometimes, destruction, but nevertheless, it is MY path. This seems to be the theme of my day. Today at church, there was particular emphasis on a passage from the book of Proverbs that says “Trust in the Lord with all your heart . . . and He will direct your path.” While I know that this passage may not resonate for everyone, it did for me today. I have faith that my path is clear, my direction is strong and my conviction remains in tact.
Thank you for your continued notes, comments, and support. You make the long road much better.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Summertime = Food, Who Knew?
I am not a fan of the dog days of summer. The summer heat is particularly difficult on heavier people. But one of the things that I look forward to is the abundance of incredible fruit that is available during this time of year. Obviously, food has been important to me for a while, but for one time a year, an excess of this type of food is not usually problematic. After all, one does not become a person of size by pigging out on watermelon and cherries. That being said, I thought that starting a healthy lifestyle effort during summertime would be easier. The fresh fruits and vegetables would make it easier – or so I thought. What I had not realized is that so many Summer activities are centered around food.
This past weekend was busy and full of potential food disasters. On Friday, my mother, daughter and I drove to Milwaukee, WI to attend their annual Festa Italiana. As you can probably guess, the Festa was full of food. Finding healthy choices was a challenge, but I managed well as I started by sharing some fresh grapes with Ava, then eating a children’s portion of pasta and about two bites of a sausage sandwich. The next day was “date night”with my husband. We attended a fund-raising event for a local community theatre entitled “Taste of the Arts.” Although we knew that there would be restaurants with food tents, we thought that the evening would include some entertainment as well. Imagine my surprise when I learned that the entire event was centered around the food and spending money. It would not have been bad if there were at least one or two healthy alternatives; however, there wasn’t really even one. I thought that at least Whole Foods would provide something, but they did not. Again, I managed to get by. I found my best alternatives – fortunately in taste portions – and did not return for seconds, restricting dessert. As if this weren’t bad enough, I had invited a group of friends over to brunch. I carefully planned selections that were tasty but healthy. I never realized how much of my life was circled around food. Surely there are other things to do!
I am very proud of the way that I am learning to manage my addiction. There is always an opportunity to go wrong, but I am finding that as long as I remain mindful and plan, I am doing well. I live in the moment. I don’t lose sight of my goals. I haven’t weighed myself since last Monday as I want to resume my Friday schedule, so the results remain to be seen; however, I am feeling very confident with my eating efforts. My exercise is another story! My goal for the coming week is to get a more solid schedule for exercise and stick to it.
Many thanks to the readers who have inquired about my journey and continue to support and follow my efforts. I feel your love, support and prayers and sincerely feel you with me. You are my inspiration to continue.
This past weekend was busy and full of potential food disasters. On Friday, my mother, daughter and I drove to Milwaukee, WI to attend their annual Festa Italiana. As you can probably guess, the Festa was full of food. Finding healthy choices was a challenge, but I managed well as I started by sharing some fresh grapes with Ava, then eating a children’s portion of pasta and about two bites of a sausage sandwich. The next day was “date night”with my husband. We attended a fund-raising event for a local community theatre entitled “Taste of the Arts.” Although we knew that there would be restaurants with food tents, we thought that the evening would include some entertainment as well. Imagine my surprise when I learned that the entire event was centered around the food and spending money. It would not have been bad if there were at least one or two healthy alternatives; however, there wasn’t really even one. I thought that at least Whole Foods would provide something, but they did not. Again, I managed to get by. I found my best alternatives – fortunately in taste portions – and did not return for seconds, restricting dessert. As if this weren’t bad enough, I had invited a group of friends over to brunch. I carefully planned selections that were tasty but healthy. I never realized how much of my life was circled around food. Surely there are other things to do!
I am very proud of the way that I am learning to manage my addiction. There is always an opportunity to go wrong, but I am finding that as long as I remain mindful and plan, I am doing well. I live in the moment. I don’t lose sight of my goals. I haven’t weighed myself since last Monday as I want to resume my Friday schedule, so the results remain to be seen; however, I am feeling very confident with my eating efforts. My exercise is another story! My goal for the coming week is to get a more solid schedule for exercise and stick to it.
Many thanks to the readers who have inquired about my journey and continue to support and follow my efforts. I feel your love, support and prayers and sincerely feel you with me. You are my inspiration to continue.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Without a plan . . . I’ve Got Nothing
Dear Blog Readers:
It’s been awhile since I last posted, so let me take a few moments to fill you in on things. First of all I was unable to do my usual Friday weigh-in as I was attending an out-of-town wedding away from any scales. The availability of good food choices to/from my destination of Northwest Minnesota and in restaurants in the immediate area was limited. I knew that I needed to get a plan in place in order to do some damage control. Before the trip, I preplanned bringing cut-up veggies, apple slices, mixed berries, and bottles of water to ensure some healthy alternatives. Since we had a thirteen hour drive each way, we made it a point to stop in restaurants for meals to/from our destination. The first day we stopped for breakfast and lunch. On the way home it was lunch and dinner. I made selections based on nutritional value and calorie counts and did very well. We stayed at a bed and breakfast where we were sure to get a balanced breakfast to start the day. We then supplemented with the fruit, veggies, a salad or some other healthy choices that were available in our mini-fridge. The day that we returned home was the only deviance from the plan as the B & B made fresh scones – my favorite and we stopped for Thai food for dinner. But again, given my previous portion issues, I did not do badly as I ate about 1/3 of the pad thai entrée and brought the rest home and split the rest among three of us for dinner another night. I weighed myself the day after we returned home to discover that the scale read exactly the same as last time – 296.7. After a weekend of potential disasters, I considered that a win for me. While I would rather lose weight every week, I know that my body is going through changes and will have ebbs and flows.
While we were gone, my daughter became pretty ill. She ran a high fever suddenly which we managed with over-the-counter medications, but we didn’t know where it came from. We consulted with her doctor upon our return and discovered that Ava has a urinary tract infection (UTI). Those of us who have had one know that these can be extremely painful. She was having a terrible time as she was withholding going to the bathroom to avoid the potty and the pain involved. Although she was very good about taking her medicine, she continued to withhold going to the bathroom. This became a significant stress for me as I didn’t want her to make more of the problem. I had returned to work and checked in on her periodically with my mom to see if she had changed her mind about the bathroom, but to no avail. The anxiety continued to build and by lunchtime I needed to stop home and see if I could help to convince her to go. I asked my mom if she wanted me to bring her anything and she indicated that some lunch would be nice, so I set out to get her lunch. I broke one of my cardinal rules – AVOID ALL DRIVE-THRUS – in the interest of time and went through Taco Bell’s drive-thru. I ordered 3 soft tacos and 1 bean burrito. (2 soft tacos for mom, the rest for me). In addition, I decided to go to the McDonald’s drive-thru to get Ava a Happy meal to try to coerce her by giving her something she liked. I had already eaten my food and my mom’s tacos were getting cold, so I thought she might enjoy a fish sandwich instead. I threw out the remaining tacos for fear of eating them but without even realizing it, I had ordered my mom’s fish sandwich, Ava’s Happy Meal and a 10-piece chicken nugget that I devoured before I even realized what I had done. Of course, the eater’s remorse set in shortly thereafter.
I began to think about my own wisdom in the drive-thru rule and realized that I was really right in setting that line in concrete. Although I approached this incident with the purest of intentions, my food addiction took over and brought me immediately back into bad habits. I had fed my stress and was able to deal with my daughter in a calmer manner, but at what cost? In addition, the frenzied nature of the past week or so has caused me to fall out of my food logging habit. I wish that it was as easy to create healthy behaviors as it is to fall back on what we know. Overeating is like the old fuzzy bathrobe in the back of the closet that you refuse to get rid of. It brings you a sense of comfort and peace. I know that what I’m saying is a bit irrational, but it’s the way I feel. So, I keep going. I don’t dwell on the recent mistakes and look forward to avoid some future indiscretions along the way.
It’s been awhile since I last posted, so let me take a few moments to fill you in on things. First of all I was unable to do my usual Friday weigh-in as I was attending an out-of-town wedding away from any scales. The availability of good food choices to/from my destination of Northwest Minnesota and in restaurants in the immediate area was limited. I knew that I needed to get a plan in place in order to do some damage control. Before the trip, I preplanned bringing cut-up veggies, apple slices, mixed berries, and bottles of water to ensure some healthy alternatives. Since we had a thirteen hour drive each way, we made it a point to stop in restaurants for meals to/from our destination. The first day we stopped for breakfast and lunch. On the way home it was lunch and dinner. I made selections based on nutritional value and calorie counts and did very well. We stayed at a bed and breakfast where we were sure to get a balanced breakfast to start the day. We then supplemented with the fruit, veggies, a salad or some other healthy choices that were available in our mini-fridge. The day that we returned home was the only deviance from the plan as the B & B made fresh scones – my favorite and we stopped for Thai food for dinner. But again, given my previous portion issues, I did not do badly as I ate about 1/3 of the pad thai entrée and brought the rest home and split the rest among three of us for dinner another night. I weighed myself the day after we returned home to discover that the scale read exactly the same as last time – 296.7. After a weekend of potential disasters, I considered that a win for me. While I would rather lose weight every week, I know that my body is going through changes and will have ebbs and flows.
While we were gone, my daughter became pretty ill. She ran a high fever suddenly which we managed with over-the-counter medications, but we didn’t know where it came from. We consulted with her doctor upon our return and discovered that Ava has a urinary tract infection (UTI). Those of us who have had one know that these can be extremely painful. She was having a terrible time as she was withholding going to the bathroom to avoid the potty and the pain involved. Although she was very good about taking her medicine, she continued to withhold going to the bathroom. This became a significant stress for me as I didn’t want her to make more of the problem. I had returned to work and checked in on her periodically with my mom to see if she had changed her mind about the bathroom, but to no avail. The anxiety continued to build and by lunchtime I needed to stop home and see if I could help to convince her to go. I asked my mom if she wanted me to bring her anything and she indicated that some lunch would be nice, so I set out to get her lunch. I broke one of my cardinal rules – AVOID ALL DRIVE-THRUS – in the interest of time and went through Taco Bell’s drive-thru. I ordered 3 soft tacos and 1 bean burrito. (2 soft tacos for mom, the rest for me). In addition, I decided to go to the McDonald’s drive-thru to get Ava a Happy meal to try to coerce her by giving her something she liked. I had already eaten my food and my mom’s tacos were getting cold, so I thought she might enjoy a fish sandwich instead. I threw out the remaining tacos for fear of eating them but without even realizing it, I had ordered my mom’s fish sandwich, Ava’s Happy Meal and a 10-piece chicken nugget that I devoured before I even realized what I had done. Of course, the eater’s remorse set in shortly thereafter.
I began to think about my own wisdom in the drive-thru rule and realized that I was really right in setting that line in concrete. Although I approached this incident with the purest of intentions, my food addiction took over and brought me immediately back into bad habits. I had fed my stress and was able to deal with my daughter in a calmer manner, but at what cost? In addition, the frenzied nature of the past week or so has caused me to fall out of my food logging habit. I wish that it was as easy to create healthy behaviors as it is to fall back on what we know. Overeating is like the old fuzzy bathrobe in the back of the closet that you refuse to get rid of. It brings you a sense of comfort and peace. I know that what I’m saying is a bit irrational, but it’s the way I feel. So, I keep going. I don’t dwell on the recent mistakes and look forward to avoid some future indiscretions along the way.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Life Lessons Learned from 3 to 83
The past few days have been challenging for our family as we navigated the critical illness of my husband’s beloved aunt and potty training of my 3 year old daughter, Ava. Obviously, these are two very different and unrelated experiences but these two individuals have done their share of educating “Carla” over the course of the past week.
Ava is a very smart and precocious child. She has known her shapes and colors for more than two years, her alphabet and numbers for about 1 ½ years, and her language skills are coming along very nicely; however, when it comes to potty training, she is just not interested in the entire ordeal. My husband Mike and I decided to take the “tough” approach and enter Ava into our version of potty boot camp. We sat with her in the bathroom for hours as we hoped that her bladder would eventually give into the urge to use the potty. As we spent our quality time in the bathroom, she would shout cries of “but I don’t want to go potty.” My response would always be “You have to. Sometimes we have to do things that we don’t like to do because they are good for us.” There it was. My awful truth about my relationship with exercise was staring me in the face. I realized within this potty training exercise that I am acting like my 3 year old in my philosophy about exercise. Even though I know it is good for me, I do not want to do it, all the same. Much like Ava, I need to make my own mind up about my determination in doing what is good for me.
I have realized over the course of these past few days that I have much to learn about my approach to a lot of things in order to prepare myself to better survive my food addiction and really make a new life free from my obsession and enjoying the beauty that life has to offer. We brought Ava to see her first fireworks display last night. I will never forget the look of wonder in her eyes when she saw the amazing fireworks displays. As each sequence topped the last, she sat in awe saying things like, “Wow, so many, Mommy.” or, “Look how beautiful.”
There is no food in the world that will substitute for those moments. Since food and lack of exercise could prevent me from experiencing as many of those moments as possible, I need to get it under control. Yesterday, I was very intentional about getting some movement into the course of my day. I played Bocce Ball in my backyard and walked intentionally last night around the firework grounds. My plan is to continue to increase my physical activity every day in addition to putting exercise as an appointment on my calendar.
This week’s other life lesson came from my husband’s aunt, Aunt Jo, who was on a ventilator due to complications from a surgery several weeks ago. She is 83 years old, had pneumonia, was in septic shock, had a heart condition that could not be ignored, and was having difficulty breathing. The doctors gave her a minimal chance of survival and as a family we were convinced that we were going to lose our beloved aunt. We gathered around her as she fought for her life and, slowly, over those first 72 critical hours, Aunt Jo fought her way back. God granted her a miracle and today she will be starting regular food after over a week on IV provided nutrition. She is anticipating being released from the hospital’s intensive care unit soon to begin rehabilitation. Lesson learned: “All things are possible to those who believe.” So, I will continue in my belief that I can finally conquer this addiction for the last time. I will lose an entire person in whatever time that it takes and I will learn to live life as God intended – free of addiction. I am also very happy to report that Friday’s scale showed 296.7, which means that I have lost 10.3 lbs in two weeks. More importantly, I have broken the 300 mark and I am never going to return!
Ava is a very smart and precocious child. She has known her shapes and colors for more than two years, her alphabet and numbers for about 1 ½ years, and her language skills are coming along very nicely; however, when it comes to potty training, she is just not interested in the entire ordeal. My husband Mike and I decided to take the “tough” approach and enter Ava into our version of potty boot camp. We sat with her in the bathroom for hours as we hoped that her bladder would eventually give into the urge to use the potty. As we spent our quality time in the bathroom, she would shout cries of “but I don’t want to go potty.” My response would always be “You have to. Sometimes we have to do things that we don’t like to do because they are good for us.” There it was. My awful truth about my relationship with exercise was staring me in the face. I realized within this potty training exercise that I am acting like my 3 year old in my philosophy about exercise. Even though I know it is good for me, I do not want to do it, all the same. Much like Ava, I need to make my own mind up about my determination in doing what is good for me.
I have realized over the course of these past few days that I have much to learn about my approach to a lot of things in order to prepare myself to better survive my food addiction and really make a new life free from my obsession and enjoying the beauty that life has to offer. We brought Ava to see her first fireworks display last night. I will never forget the look of wonder in her eyes when she saw the amazing fireworks displays. As each sequence topped the last, she sat in awe saying things like, “Wow, so many, Mommy.” or, “Look how beautiful.”
There is no food in the world that will substitute for those moments. Since food and lack of exercise could prevent me from experiencing as many of those moments as possible, I need to get it under control. Yesterday, I was very intentional about getting some movement into the course of my day. I played Bocce Ball in my backyard and walked intentionally last night around the firework grounds. My plan is to continue to increase my physical activity every day in addition to putting exercise as an appointment on my calendar.
This week’s other life lesson came from my husband’s aunt, Aunt Jo, who was on a ventilator due to complications from a surgery several weeks ago. She is 83 years old, had pneumonia, was in septic shock, had a heart condition that could not be ignored, and was having difficulty breathing. The doctors gave her a minimal chance of survival and as a family we were convinced that we were going to lose our beloved aunt. We gathered around her as she fought for her life and, slowly, over those first 72 critical hours, Aunt Jo fought her way back. God granted her a miracle and today she will be starting regular food after over a week on IV provided nutrition. She is anticipating being released from the hospital’s intensive care unit soon to begin rehabilitation. Lesson learned: “All things are possible to those who believe.” So, I will continue in my belief that I can finally conquer this addiction for the last time. I will lose an entire person in whatever time that it takes and I will learn to live life as God intended – free of addiction. I am also very happy to report that Friday’s scale showed 296.7, which means that I have lost 10.3 lbs in two weeks. More importantly, I have broken the 300 mark and I am never going to return!
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