It has been a long time since my last blog entry. Much has transpired since May 19, 2011. In my last blog entry I spoke of some revelations around my food issues and the realization that I have been dealing with it since I was 5 years old. In the month that followed, my therapist Jenny charged me to think even more thoroughly and try to come to terms with the pure emotions that were attached to my realizations.
My first try at this exercise was at a purely cerebral level. I made a list of the emotions that I imagined that I could be experiencing, telling Jenny that I didn’t really remember mine specifically. Jenny changed the charge slightly. She said that I needed to write a letter to my Dad, telling him about how it made me feel and sharing what I’ve experienced over the years. About 3 days passed and I had not really thought about my assignment per se. Some of my most emotional moments come to me when I finally settle in to go to sleep at the end of a long day. At the end of this particular day, I became very emotional about the issues related to my upbringing and food. It was 1:30 AM, but I knew that the time had come to write my letter. My emotions were raw and I was extremely upset, but I knew that the writing would heal me.
I went into my office to start writing my letter. I played the song “Imagine Me” by Kirk Franklin over and over again over the next hour or so as I poured out my feelings, cried, and shared my life from then to now and how it has affected me. The song has become my mantra as the lyrics showered me with comfort, strength to admit my pain and a reminder that my faith will support me through all things – if I allow it. My letter was written from my 47 year old perspective. I told my dad about my perspective of some of the things that happened over my life. I did not blame my dad, but was firm in my convictions of his effect on my life. More than anything, I realized that my eating was rooted in the idea that each of my recollected interactions with my dad were around weight or appearance or something else that was superficial. I felt like I didn’t have the relationship that I really wanted – supportive, nurturing, and more accepting of who I was instead of who my dad was afraid that I would become. I cried and cried as I wrote each word and after a little over an hour, I finished my three-page letter by letting my dad know that I loved him, I still miss him even though it has been over 22 years since he passed away and then forgiving him.. I read it out loud – listening to my words and my voice as I said them then I decided to rely on my faith to heal me. I played my mantra song from the beginning, closed my eyes and listened to the words. . . .
“Imagine me
Loving what I see when the mirror looks at me cause I
I imagine me
In a place of no insecurities
And I'm finally happy cause
I imagine me
Letting go of all of the ones who hurt me
Cause they never did deserve me
Can you imagine me?
Saying no to thoughts that try to control me
Remembering all you told me
Lord, can you imagine me?
Over what my mama said
And healed from what my daddy did
I wanna live and not read that page again
[Chorus:]
Imagine me, being free, trusting you totally finally I can...
Imagine me
I admit it was hard to see
You being in love with someone like me
But finally I can...
Imagine me
Being strong
And not letting people break me down
You won't get that joy this time around
Can you imagine me?
In a world where nobody has to live afraid
Because of your love fears gone away
Can you imagine me?
[Bridge:]
Letting go of my past
And glad I have another chance
'Cause I don't have to read that page again
[Vamp:]
Gone, gone, it's gone, all gone”
By the end of the song this last time, I felt a peace that passes human understanding and finally free of the burden that I had been carrying for so long. Over the couple of weeks that followed, I noticed that my food issues started to diminish. Although the thoughts of my bad habits were still there, my logic kicked in for the first time and it was easy to resist things like the drive thru. My overeating had pretty much ceased and I was finally ready to pursue a healthier life for myself. I met with Suzanne, my trusted friend and nutrition and exercise expert and set my path. I have been at it for about 3 weeks and have maintained a steady exercise schedule of three times a week. In addition, I have done a pretty decent job monitoring my food intake within the guidelines that Suzanne and I discussed. I haven’t been perfect. I continue to eat a little emotionally, but I am much more able to identify it quickly, I do not binge anymore and my recovery is much easier.
My life philosophy has always been “It is what it is.” I now realize that I hid my pain behind it instead of exploring the feelings that provoked my eating incidents. Although my philosophy remains the same, I now will not hide behind it because I have discovered the pain in hiding. I am now vigilant in taking care of the emotional side of my health as well as learning to develop new eating and exercise habits. My weight loss to date is 5.9 pounds since I recently restarted, but my exercise is very regular. I have discovered some of the beauties of regular exercise and increased stamina. I recently had some blood work done and the results compared to one year ago show significant improvements in my triglycerides and A1c numbers. Lastly, I compared measurements to last year and I have lost over 12 inches since last year! Breakthrough . . Healing . . and, finally, Progress . . .
I just read your post and was very touched by your openness and sharing. I happen to think you are a very beautiful person. Robin and I have quoted your saying "it is what it is" a few times when we didn't have the words to express the pain of what she is going through. I think we used it in a tone like a certain resignation toward acceptance, but not in hiding...
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