New Year, New Start

Dear Readers,

The inevitable has happened and I have returned to my keyboard after nearly six months on hiatus. Much has happened since my last entry in July. First, let me report that my weight has hovered between the same 5 or so pounds throughout this time, without exceeding 289. I haven't faced the scale in the past 10 days or so and I fear that the holiday cheer may have pushed me a bit, but I try very consciously to make healthy choices whenever possible. I am ready for a new start with the new year.

My personal life took a significant hit when I lost my beloved Godmother, Anna, to ovarian cancer in early September. Zia Anna, as I called her, was diagnosed at the end of July and died on September 10th. It took all of us by surprise as she was in relatively good health up to that point. Zia Anna was in her mid 70s, an avid walker, and always busy. She had a heart condition that was very closely monitored, but there wasn't even a notion of cancer within her history. This period became my first experience in dealing with emotions without the assistance of food. Zia Anna's death hit me even harder than my own father's death 22 years ago in many respects because I was still relying on my food addiction to get me through at that time. Now I was on my own. I even tried to comfort myself with food, but found that I literally couldn't do it. I remember thinking that it would be so much easier if I could use food as my comfort instead of dealing with the pain. I was really not used to dealing with things in that manner. I am learning to allow the feelings to come forward and experience them fully. I have discovered the redemptive effects that come after allowing the pain to bloom and heal rather than stuffing it or pretending that it didn't exist.

In addition to this loss, I was notified that I will potentially be losing my job in the next 5 months. My future remains uncertain for at least the next several weeks or, possibly, a couple of months. Another test of my ability to deal with whatever lies ahead - but I will persevere. I always do.

My plans in the new year will include jumping back on a more aggressive plan of weight loss, tracking all food with the assistance of an online tracker, working at a regular exercise regime, and lastly, but not least, making sure to schedule activities into my busy life that give me personal joy and simplifying as much as possible in order to live fully. I will weigh in on January 1st, and report in with my stats and beginning goal within 2 days of the new year.

Until then, I wish all of you a blessed and Happy New Year! May 2012 bring all of us peace, joy and a sense of fulfillment in a life well-lived.

Carla

Time + Conviction + Courageous Interspection = Breakthrough, Healing and Progress

It has been a long time since my last blog entry. Much has transpired since May 19, 2011. In my last blog entry I spoke of some revelations around my food issues and the realization that I have been dealing with it since I was 5 years old. In the month that followed, my therapist Jenny charged me to think even more thoroughly and try to come to terms with the pure emotions that were attached to my realizations.

My first try at this exercise was at a purely cerebral level. I made a list of the emotions that I imagined that I could be experiencing, telling Jenny that I didn’t really remember mine specifically. Jenny changed the charge slightly. She said that I needed to write a letter to my Dad, telling him about how it made me feel and sharing what I’ve experienced over the years. About 3 days passed and I had not really thought about my assignment per se. Some of my most emotional moments come to me when I finally settle in to go to sleep at the end of a long day. At the end of this particular day, I became very emotional about the issues related to my upbringing and food. It was 1:30 AM, but I knew that the time had come to write my letter. My emotions were raw and I was extremely upset, but I knew that the writing would heal me.

I went into my office to start writing my letter. I played the song “Imagine Me” by Kirk Franklin over and over again over the next hour or so as I poured out my feelings, cried, and shared my life from then to now and how it has affected me. The song has become my mantra as the lyrics showered me with comfort, strength to admit my pain and a reminder that my faith will support me through all things – if I allow it. My letter was written from my 47 year old perspective. I told my dad about my perspective of some of the things that happened over my life. I did not blame my dad, but was firm in my convictions of his effect on my life. More than anything, I realized that my eating was rooted in the idea that each of my recollected interactions with my dad were around weight or appearance or something else that was superficial. I felt like I didn’t have the relationship that I really wanted – supportive, nurturing, and more accepting of who I was instead of who my dad was afraid that I would become. I cried and cried as I wrote each word and after a little over an hour, I finished my three-page letter by letting my dad know that I loved him, I still miss him even though it has been over 22 years since he passed away and then forgiving him.. I read it out loud – listening to my words and my voice as I said them then I decided to rely on my faith to heal me. I played my mantra song from the beginning, closed my eyes and listened to the words. . . .

“Imagine me
Loving what I see when the mirror looks at me cause I
I imagine me
In a place of no insecurities
And I'm finally happy cause
I imagine me

Letting go of all of the ones who hurt me
Cause they never did deserve me
Can you imagine me?
Saying no to thoughts that try to control me
Remembering all you told me
Lord, can you imagine me?
Over what my mama said
And healed from what my daddy did
I wanna live and not read that page again

[Chorus:]
Imagine me, being free, trusting you totally finally I can...
Imagine me
I admit it was hard to see
You being in love with someone like me
But finally I can...
Imagine me

Being strong
And not letting people break me down
You won't get that joy this time around
Can you imagine me?
In a world where nobody has to live afraid
Because of your love fears gone away
Can you imagine me?

[Bridge:]
Letting go of my past
And glad I have another chance
'Cause I don't have to read that page again

[Vamp:]
Gone, gone, it's gone, all gone”

By the end of the song this last time, I felt a peace that passes human understanding and finally free of the burden that I had been carrying for so long. Over the couple of weeks that followed, I noticed that my food issues started to diminish. Although the thoughts of my bad habits were still there, my logic kicked in for the first time and it was easy to resist things like the drive thru. My overeating had pretty much ceased and I was finally ready to pursue a healthier life for myself. I met with Suzanne, my trusted friend and nutrition and exercise expert and set my path. I have been at it for about 3 weeks and have maintained a steady exercise schedule of three times a week. In addition, I have done a pretty decent job monitoring my food intake within the guidelines that Suzanne and I discussed. I haven’t been perfect. I continue to eat a little emotionally, but I am much more able to identify it quickly, I do not binge anymore and my recovery is much easier.

My life philosophy has always been “It is what it is.” I now realize that I hid my pain behind it instead of exploring the feelings that provoked my eating incidents. Although my philosophy remains the same, I now will not hide behind it because I have discovered the pain in hiding. I am now vigilant in taking care of the emotional side of my health as well as learning to develop new eating and exercise habits. My weight loss to date is 5.9 pounds since I recently restarted, but my exercise is very regular. I have discovered some of the beauties of regular exercise and increased stamina. I recently had some blood work done and the results compared to one year ago show significant improvements in my triglycerides and A1c numbers. Lastly, I compared measurements to last year and I have lost over 12 inches since last year! Breakthrough . . Healing . . and, finally, Progress . . .

Careful the Things You Say, Children Will Listen

There is a song at the climax of Stephen Sondeim’s musical, Into the Woods, called Children Will Listen. It talks about how you protect your child from the world and still prepare them for it. How do you warn them, without scaring them too much? I have spent much time over the past month mulling over my early years. It started with that pivotal story that I described in my last blog entry of when I was five and my Dad pulled me over to show how I wasn’t fat to my uncles. You already know from reading my last blog entry that I wasn’t fat, but my Dad was already acting as if I was.

By the time I was seven years old, issues of overeating had already entered my psyche. I wrote a poem for my mother during the fall of that year. It was entitled “Thanksgiving Day.” The paper, which I still have, is appropriately decorated and colored with pilgrims and turkeys, but the end subject is shocking. See if you agree:

“Thanksgiving is a special day
A day of fun and such
The only trouble we may have
Is it we eat too much”

There it was in black and white. The attitudes toward food had officially entered my brain by the age of 7. Yet, I was still not fat. It then became like a self-fulfilling prophesy. The messages of “don’t eat that,” “you’ll be fat,” and the likes continued on and on. I was an average size until right before puberty, then I started the deadly combination of hormonal changes and teenage defiance. I became fat. But I don’t want to dwell on this because it is not important. The important part is coming.

Have you ever had an epiphany moment? A moment where, as you go about the course of your day, all of a sudden, things become crystal clear. I recently had one of those moments. It came about as I processed something that I had discussed with Jenny. This food obsession was not originally mine. It was thrust upon me by other people’s obsession with thinness. I was surrounded by messages regarding food from a very young age and it became mine, but I did not initiate it. Furthermore, after embracing it from that influence, the course of the next 42 years of my life was influenced by someone else’s issues. Pardon the language here, but what the hell? As I thought more about this, I quickly realized that my dad’s and his family’s obsession with thinness and food were their obsession, NOT MINE. My issue came when I started to use it as my friend and I certainly need to work on that, but FOOD IS NOT MY ISSUE!

I cannot tell you how freeing that moment was! All of a sudden, I didn’t feel crazy. I understood and then I got mad. Not a bad angry, but mad at the idea that someone else’s agenda had influenced the way that I was judged by others and myself in such a profound way for so many years. Forty two years is a long time! At that moment, I decided that it was a good run, but now it was time for me to deal with turning this thing around. Who knew? Take a look at the lyric of Stephen Sondheim’s Children Will Listen with me

Careful the things you say
Children will listen
Careful the things you do
Children will see and learn

Children may not obey, but children will listen
Children will look to you for which way to turn
Go learn what to be
Careful before you say "Listen to me"
Children will listen . . .

It’s true, isn’t it? What I did was listen and see and learn. I never thought that it could be wrong because I thought that there was something wrong with me. You know, I feel better. Now I need to find a way to be my own influencer and reverse the affects on my poor and patient body. I will be going about things one step, one minute, one hour, one day at a time. Always knowing that my resilience will carry me along the journey. Thanks for joining me.

Time for a Personal Food Revolution

My Dear Blog Readers:

I am so happy to tell you that I’M BACK – hopefully for good. I have been on quite the journey for myself. My last posting was a tribute to my biological brother who had committed suicide just after the first of the year. The pure stress of that time in conjunction with other issues that I dealt with shortly thereafter sent me into a whirlwind. In early January I was dealing with personality issues within my marriage, my grief, my husband’s loss of the ability to drive for 2 months, thanks to his epilepsy, and, I thought, my food issues. Something had to give and I needed to start somewhere to get some help, so Mike and I enlisted the assistance of a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT) to start the work on our issues in late January. We began sessions as a couple, but it quickly became apparent that we both had our own individual “junk” that we brought to our marriage. If we were to thrive within our relationship, we needed to work on our own stuff as well.

It should come as no surprise that my main issues were around my relationship with food and how it has shaped how I feel about myself and my willingness to be all things to everyone except myself. As I told my life story to Jenny, our LMFT, I began to realize a few things about myself. First, like most people, my life has had some challenges along the way. (I never realized that.) I have always looked at my life as being happy, never realizing that I dealt with my pain by eating it. Over the course of time, food became everything to me – my friend, my confidant, my consoler, my counselor. It made the hurt go away when I had to deal with confrontation. In the beginning of my relationship with food, it was a way to be defiant to my father who was obsessed with thinness. In essence, I developed a food addiction.

I recalled a story of when I was about five years old. My dad was talking with my uncles at a family party. He called me over to him and showed me to my uncles. He grabbed my thigh and said “See, she’s not fat. She’s solid.” I guess that he had been talking about me. I wasn’t fat. I was an average size. You may recall that I have a daughter who is nearly that age now. I had visions of saying the very same thing about Ava and could not even fathom it. I grew up with the connotation of those messages and the idea that I wasn’t good enough “as is” and began eating myself thru life because, after all, that’s who I was, right?

I allowed my opinions about myself to be shaped from these experiences. I dove into “help” mode. I grew up in an atmosphere of commitment to your family, including extended family and to others. It was an atmosphere of service to one another and self-sacrifice to take care of loved ones. I dove into many meaningful relationships and have reaped the benefits of having many good friends – but somehow I still managed to lose myself along the way. I kept myself so busy doing things in general and for others that my needs either came last or ceased to exist in my own world. I guess that maybe I didn’t feel like it was important or I didn’t acknowledge that there was a need to get healthy. The truth is that it WAS important! It was greatly important and now I have to spend time unlearning the way that I am used to living and learning how to give myself grace, forgiveness and, above all else, kindness to myself as I pursue a healthier way of living. I now realize that I sacrificed my own well-being for the sake of all else, primarily because I didn’t think that I was worth it. In the end, I was still hurting those that I loved by not taking care of someone that they love – me. It’s sad, isn’t it? I think so.

I am now realizing that I need to refocus and turn my attention to the treatment of my relationship with food as an addiction. I have recently come to realize that one of the things that I have going for me is a very definite sense of resilience. As I have reflected on my life experience thus far, I have developed a tremendous ability to persevere and survive. The trick will be that my survival sometimes required that I sacrifice myself where now I need to preserve myself and find new ways of coping with my issues. I also realize that I cannot bite off this entire endeavor at once, but take it one day at a time. So, let’s talk about the current state of things for me.

Unfortunately, I had begun to go back thru drive-thrus again so I recently re-instituted my “no drive-thru” rule for myself. In addition, I am determined to kick my Coke Zero habit in order to increase my health. I am drinking water, tea, and Crystal Light during the day and allow myself one Coke Zero at dinner time for now. I have made the commitment not to buy soda for everyday consumption once my existing supply is gone. This is huge for me! I have also formed a team to do the Epilepsy Walk on May 21st, so I need to start walking so that I don’t die trying to walk 5K that morning. I have been dealing with some back problems lately, so I need to start slow. My physical therapist has advised that I start with a few blocks and build up. So to summarize, here is what I’m committing to this week:

1. No drive-thrus – Ever
2. Limit of one can of Coke Zero (diet soda) per day until supply is gone
3. Walk the equivalent of 4 – 8 blocks each day Wednesday thru Sunday of this week

Thank you for your inquiries, your caring and your support. As you can see, this journey has become even more personal, but I’m happy to share it with you.

Until next time,
Carla

Life Happens

Dear Blog Readers:

Today’s entry is atypical and very personal. I am sad today. Not for myself and my weight journey but because of some sad news that I received yesterday. As a result of the news, I have spent some significant time contemplating life circumstances and what is really important.

I was the oldest of three children that were born to a young woman in the 60s. I was given up for adoption at birth and never knew her as she passed away when I was six years old. Many years ago, I met two brothers that I never knew. One was like my heart – convicted, loving and a person of great character. The other was adopted at the age of two upon the death of our mother. He was 27 years old when I met him. His life story follows in the following piece of prose.

An Unmarked Life
by Carla Rea DeFlorio

He was born the child of a poor, young woman. When the young woman suddenly died, he was adopted by another family and grew up in another town where he stayed until the age of eight. He was given back to the child care authorities and put into foster care where he went from foster home to foster home. He began to affiliate with people of ill repute and got into trouble with the law.

He spent the greater part of his years looking for acceptance, a sense of belonging and someone he could call his own. At the age of 25, he met a woman and became a father to a little girl but his criminal activities brought him in and out of prison over the course of the years that would follow.

He met members of his birth family and had a hope of connection but he scared them away with each interaction. He did not have the skills to reach out to them. They didn’t have the courage to try harder.

While he was in prison, his daughter’s mother was killed in a car crash and his daughter was given up for adoption without his knowledge. Plagued by guilt and fear of history repeating itself, he was determined to seek her out and reclaim her when he was finally free again. He succeeded in finding her and watched her for a while from afar, surprised to see that she was living a happy life. He opted to leave her in the capable hands of her family – resulting in the only truly unselfish act of his life.

He spent the remainder of his years searching for acceptance and care, but remained in a lonely existence. He eventually married a woman, but it was very late in his life by then. Within a short time, he learned that due to some health circumstances, he would be facing life in a wheelchair within six months.

The burden was too much to bear. He checked into a nearby motel and ended his life – alone. Members of his birth family heard from his wife, who they barely knew. There were no details, no explanations, no remains, just the information of his death and the thoughts of him that would stay with them in the years to come. He was forty-two.

His daughter is still happy and remains in this world. She remains his hope for eternity.

I have not had an easy time this week in my reaffirmation of my journey. I have not gotten into an exercise regime, I haven’t contacted OA yet but I am working at increasing the amount of water that I consume every day. In the past 24 hours, I have once again realized how very fortunate I am. I was given love, care, and everything I needed throughout my life. I never wanted for anything. Of my birthmother’s three children, I was graced with much in my life. I believe that I have an obligation with that grace. My obligation is do all that I can to live.

I have much work to do, but the good news is that I will not begin with overeating – for once! Thank you for indulging me and for reading/listening to my story.
Carla

New Year, New Start

My Dearest Readers:

I’m sure that you’ve given up on me by now. If you have, I don’t blame you. I’ve been attending to personal issues and have not been regularly pursuing my goals. My 282 weigh-in was a fluke in October, and I have been maintaining my weight through the holidays between 289 and 290.

The highlights from my life of late have included the news that my husband has reached the maximum of his unemployment benefits and my nearly 80 year old mother taking a spill on black ice two days before Christmas. My mom hit her head, severely bruised her elbow, and has had some general soreness for the past week but thankfully, that was the extent of it, but it did slow her down a bit over the past few days. I was grateful to be home so that I could help her during her recovery.

I am running the range of emotions about my life situation but what I feel most is fear. Fear of what lies ahead, the unknown, the inability to sustain, etc. I did have some health wins over the course of the past several weeks. In about mid-late November I started to experience some pretty violent reactions to acid reflux issues that I have had for many years. It caused me to be vigilant in making choices that would not send my body into “rejection mode” and make me sick. As a result, I was able to survive the holidays, particularly Christmas Eve, without getting ill for the first time in years. You see, my extended family has a tradition of eating foods that would typically flare up my acid reflux syndrome and I historically made an effort to eat those foods without regard for how I would be affected. I was very motivated this year to take care of myself, so I made a plan for the evening to ensure that I would not be sick. I was so proud that I dealt with my food issues with a plan and a goal in mind.

In addition, I did not turn to bad, nasty eating habits in dealing with my stress. I have not had a regular exercise plan; however, I have been seeing a physical therapist for the past 3 weeks for a problem that I have been experiencing with neuropathy in my toes and I have had “mini workouts" with her 3 days per week. As a result of the reduction in our family income, I have been thinking of all different ways to try to save money. I have been paying $29/month for a fitness plan through my insurance company for the past 6 months or so but I have not been using it the way that I should. I refuse to give it up though because it would mean the sure demise of my efforts. Instead, my plan is to join the ranks of the many as the new year starts and renew my program to get healthy. There are so very few things that I can control these days - but this, I CAN CONTROL!

Here is my plan for the coming week:

1. Write this blog entry by the end of the day on Sunday, January 2.
2. Sit in on my first Overeaters Anonymous meeting or teleconference by Sunday, January 9th.
3. Exercise on Monday, Tuesday, Friday, and Saturday of this week. (probably Curves)
4. Drink at least 48 oz. water per day, starting on January 1.

So, I’m off again to regain health. I started out the year right as I weighed in at
the start of the year at less than 300 pounds for the first time in over a decade. It’s a good start!

Old Habits Die Very Hard

It has been a week since I achieved the accomplishment of my first goal of finishing a 5K walk. It has been a week since I have exercised or walked at all. It seems that after I successfully completed that goal, I had a sense of “phew, I’m glad that’s over,” and I jumped right back into a sedentary lifestyle. I went through the week with great intentions. I decided to give my body a break on Monday, Tuesday I would walk. Tuesday and Wednesday were “busy,” so I’d plan on Thursday, Friday and Saturday for my three days this week. The weather was cold, there was rain, blah, blah, blah. . .

Because the week was busy, food choices were more limited to what we could get as carry-out or from a restaurant. Planning was at a minimum and I spent too many calories and too much money paying for food that someone else prepared. The good news on the Halloween front is that we did not give candy away to the kids, so no temptation there but there are now an inordinate number of sweets around after Ava’s first real trick or treating experience.

To make matters even worse, I violated the cardinal drive thru rule this morning as I was running late to get to work but needed breakfast. Rather than planning a bit more, I ordered my “old standard McDonald’s #5 breakfast” and ate it on the way to work. It wasn’t even good! It was pretty greasy and disgusting, but I ate it. I don’t understand myself. How can I reach a pinnacle and then drop so quickly? Did I not prepare myself slowly and work toward a goal? I guess that it is the very nature of food addiction. It is about eating out of habit rather than hunger. The time has come for me to do the work on the addiction side.

I went to the Overeaters Anonymous website again and hated my answers to the series of questions that they pose to determine whether you are a compulsive overeater. As a matter of information, they are:

1. Do you eat when you’re not hungry?
2. Do you go on eating binges for no apparent reason?
3. Do you have feelings of guilt and remorse after overeating?
4. Do you give too much time and thought to food?
5. Do you look forward with pleasure and anticipation to the time when you can eat alone?
6. Do you plan these secret binges ahead of time?
7. Do you eat sensibly before others and make up for it alone?
8. Is your weight affecting the way you live your life?
9. Have you tried to diet for a week (or longer), only to fall short of your goal?
10. Do you resent others telling you to “use a little willpower” to stop overeating?
11. Despite evidence to the contrary, have you continued to assert that you can diet “on your own” whenever you wish?
12. Do you crave to eat at a definite time, day or night, other than mealtime?
13. Do you eat to escape from worries or trouble?
14. Have you ever been treated for obesity or a food-related condition?
15. Does your eating behavior make you or others unhappy?

The rule of thumb is that if you answer “yes” to three or more of the questions you either are or on your way to becoming a compulsive overeater. I have investigated Overeaters Anonymous meetings and have identified a Wednesday evening telephone meeting to start this week. Although I would prefer a face-to-face meeting, this week is crazy in getting prepared to celebrate my daughter’s 4th birthday, cleaning, and the frenzy before 25 people come to your house. I did not want to wait, so I have found a telephone meeting at a time that will work for me on Wednesday during the late evening. I hate the fact that I need to go this route. There is a certain amount of shame in it for me; however, I am also proud of my willingness to do what it takes to recover from this addiction in order to improve the rest of my life. I will let you know how the first meeting goes. In the meantime, my exercise schedule for this week will be Tuesday, Friday, and Sunday.

Thank you for your willingness to walk by my side as I navigate these waters. It is a very bumpy ride that is full of ups and downs, but I am confident that I will eventually find my way by getting the help I need, staying true to what I know is right, trying my best to curb negative thoughts, and turning the situation over to God, my highest power, who can do all things.